Articles

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism

The United States of America (1787-2018) came to a swift and sudden end last night as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.

The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun
confiscations, food stamps and Green Energy programs unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia and Disneyland.

"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."

Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in a Massachusetts suburb, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Sumtown, Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff.

With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India, but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.

And there was worse to come.

The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.

An army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Martho, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by ACORN volunteers to bring order to the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and be fed to the people.

In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities.
In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.

In the midst of all this chaos, a weary nation's eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native American smoke signals decoded it to read, "I told you so. Now we're all doomed."

As the nation descends into chaos, one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us all. Just like the last 17 times.

9 comments:

Mr. Cohen said...

This article jokes about the downfall of the USA, but it is not funny – the day the USA collapses will be one of the saddest days in World History.

Rabbi Moshe Feinstein ZTL ZYA, an Orthodox Rabbi who lived from 1895 to 1986, was one of the greatest Rabbis of his century. He praised the USA as a “malchut shel chesed” --- literally, a Kingdom of Kindness. This kind of praise is very rare, and Rabbi Moshe Feinstein was a man of extraordinary dedication to truth.

American anti-Semitism:

https://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/2017/01/guest-post-seven-times-stronger.html

https://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/2017/01/guest-post-jewish-nyc-mayor.html

How to Convict the New York Times
of Unfair Bias Against Israel:


https://shilohmusings.blogspot.com/2016/11/guest-post-how-to-convict-new-york-times.html

Edward Cline said...

Daniel,I'm waiting for some TV producer to discover your talents and hire you to write the script of this column. You could end it with a scene in which Senator Schumer accidentally encounters a brigade of American soldiers, who are very upset that the AFTN is out of commission, too, with the rest of the nation, because it's government run. He is not ever seen again.Or you could end it with Pocahantas doing her best Native American impersonation but Jerry Seinfeld tells her to ask "Why does Ovaltine come in a round jar?"

Unknown said...

I haven't laughed sooo hard in days
Fabulous writing. Oh. Roflmbo. Oh!!

Paul Weber said...

Funny! I enjoyed it very much, and it was probably good therapy for you.

Anonymous said...

It is far worse out West, which has descended into chaos, with trains full of full flush toilets, incandescent light bulbs and effective pesticides coming across the border, smuggled in shipments of marijuana.

Several marauding bands of former federal bureaucrats and agents have tried to seize farms and ranches as their own, only to be arrested as banditos, while insisting they didn't need no stinking badges.

At least two high efficiency nuclear power plants with just the safety equipment they need have been started and should be done by the end of the week.

With most public schools closing, student test scores are jumping, with black students showing tremendous gains. Students have quickly learned how to daily recite the Pledge of Allegiance, and have a renewed interest in conservative religious faith with voluntary school prayer. Real US and world history are again being taught. Universities are having to shut down many mandated programs in abolishing white supremacy, and ethnic and gender studies due to lack of interest.

The legislature of California is being paid by Mexico to erect a border wall with Arizona, Nevada and Oregon, to keep its wealthier citizen-refugees from fleeing with their assets. The state is now printing its own currency, called "The Brown Note", which is pegged against the Venezuelan Bolivar.

Ken OConnell said...

That was GREAT!! Your humor is as sharp as your intellect!!

Anonymous said...

Priceless!

Whoopie said...

You have outdone me sir!

This morning I stepped out of my house only to discover a miles long parade of ragged refugees, their belongings piled in push carts trudging up the road. "Where are they going?" I asked a haggard woman who was breast feeding a newborn. She looked up at me with dark, sunken eyes and replied "Canada, there's rumor that they still have government."

Making my way to Walmart to buy some groceries I passed scattered corpses and a group of unemployed federal bureaucrats huddled around a fire they built from reams of legislative initiatives. "Hey buddy, can you spare $5 for a Venti Mocha Frappucino from Starbucks?" one of them yelled. I pretended not to hear him and quickened my pace.

As I neared my destination I spotted several USPS delivery trucks that had been hastily 'up-armored' with makeshift steel plates crammed full of federal office workers armed with machetes and being lead by a shirtless guy they simply called "The Administrator." It was like a scene from a Mad Max movie.

Around a drainage pond next to the Walmart parking lot several more laid-off government workers were desperately stabbing at some ducks with home made spears while others, armed with bows and arrows were stalking a lone rabbit.

Finally I made it inside the Walmart. I looked around at the usual mob of oddly dressed characters, pushing shopping carts, apparently unaware of the societal collapse going on just outside. Relieved, I sighed "Civilization at last."

Chuck Mayhew said...

Anarchy reigns. Or...maybe not.

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