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Friday, January 04, 2019

Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism

The United States of America (1787-2018) came to a swift and sudden end last week as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.

The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun
confiscations, food stamps and lectures on the environment  unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia, Russia and a Walmart in downtown Atlanta.

"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."

Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff. In Alabama, a farmer fed his hogs homegrown lettuce that had been certified by the state, but not by the Federal Trilateral Hog Commission

With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men heated their homes with coal stoves. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.

The victims were many.

In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Iraqi woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.

And there was worse to come.

The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.

An army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Mathomat, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by Planned Parenthood volunteers to bring order to the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and be fed to the people.

In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities. In Portland, Alaska, attempts to resettle Syrian ISIS members in a town gymnasium led to the refugees instead being eaten by formerly protected wolves.

In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.

In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and declared himself to be the nation's new leader. While some suspect him to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a hastily erased message reading "Impeach Nixon" on the side, the city fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.

In the midst of all this chaos, a weary nation's eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native American smoke signals decoded it to read, "I told you so. Now we're all doomed."

The only surviving member of the national government outside the dead zone is believed to be Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez who floated to safety down the Potomac on a raft made out of the bodies of the other members of the Progressive Caucus.

She has since chosen to communicate only in horrified whispers and Instagram glamor shots.

As the nation descends into chaos, one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us all. Just like the last 18 times.

18 comments:

Unknown said...

...somewhere, huddled in the corners of their studio apartments, progressives across the country can be heard whispering, like a modern day Col Kurtz, "the horror...the horror"

MikeN said...

California here. I have my lawn sprinklers on full blast. I will then attempt to purchase ammunition and deliberately mis-spell my name on the background check form.

Les said...

Outstanding!
Well done.
You are appreciated, Daniel.

Edward Cline said...

The most credible and entertaining government shutdown occurred last year in Season 9 of The Walking Dead. In it a group of survivors entered Washington DC., which looked decrepit and overgrown. From horseback, Rick Grimes and Michonne handily dispatched a few worrisome “walkers” (zombies) who got in their way. The walkers, dressed in the best haberdashery, resembled Democrats and RINOs. Then the group invaded what looked like the Smithsonian Institute, in search of things the group could use to restart civilization. They found old seeds, a canoe, and a Conestoga wagon. In the background was the tattered-looking Capitol Building. On their way out back to Alexandria, Virginia, the group ran head first into a herd of walkers, Congressmen, Senators, and Federal employees, returning from the impromptu recess of Congress they voted on shortly after the apocalypse. Some growling walkers, who worked for the EPA, attacked the group’s horses and some of the group, hoping to “turn” them into aimless zombies.

Anonymous said...

Since I'm in New York I need to coment anonymously, since Emperor Cuomo sees all and looks for violations of the SAFE ACT. But, since the downfall of America, I've been mail-ordering ammunition and stockpiling it. Please, Please, Puh-leeze don't let Emperor Andrew see this.

Note to Daniel - Splendid, Sir...absolutely splendid!

Brooks Imperial said...

Add the shutdown to the list of reasons the Democrats will blame for their failure to govern. It doesn't matter because they'll construe any event whatsoever anywhere in the world - one thing's as good as the next - as the root cause of their own failure. Call it the butterfly theory of Democrat governance failure.

Whoopie said...

What next? Children dispensing lemonade from unlicensed curbside stands?

Empress Trudy said...

What's the bad news?

the Elephant's Child said...

Thanks for a good morning laugh. I needed that. Rasmussen reported that there were significant numbers of people who hadn't heard of the shutdown at all. If only we could arrange for members of Congress to go without their paychecks during a shutdown, we might get some interest in solving problems.

Anonymous said...

What am I to do without NPR? I also understand Swiss banks have collapsed as foreign leaders no longer get to stash their foreign aid money in Zurich vaults.

dvorah rut Weidner said...

This is awesome. Just the laugh we need to end the month and go into Shvat! Toda!!

henry sartin said...

Great read. Lol well done.

iamfelix said...

What dvorah said ^^^ just the laugh I needed! Excellent!

Brian Richard Allen said...

All that Canadian air power did the trick at Detroit! (Must have been Baby-Dawk Trudeau's recent canny purchase of those second-hand Australian FA/18s. Sneaky little snail-savoring surrender simbian)

Hanoi Paris Hilton said...

That's not funny, Mister Sultan!

SRS1978 said...

Mr. Greenfield (I know, gender assumption, but the rebel in me couldn’t resist!) ~ this piece is fantastically brilliant! Commenters, I tip my hat to all of you. Best Monday read in a long time and a great start to the week!

Here in western PA, the children are now uncaged & free range, using sticks and stones to play unorganized pickup games of baseball and hockey with nary an adult in sight and *gasp* keeping score, sending the losers home without the once-obligatory participation ribbon and without accolades for merely showing up as their parents continue to mourn last week’s shutdown ~ OF THE STEELERS.

joc said...

And in California I put straws in drinks without people asking for them! Cue evil laughter.

Jeff Smith said...

In the Socialist Worker's Paradise of CT things are looking pretty grim. We ran out of rocks and spears this morning and it looks like the cannibal horde are regrouping for another assault. Smoke from burnt out buildings fill the air which are also frequented by high flying vultures looking for their daily feast of non deplorables.

Sad to think that a mere week ago we consumers were happily cavorting through the streets with our Muslim, LGBT, Antifa, BLM and undocumented workers from the Worker's Paradises down South of the border. All of holding hands and singing, sharing and loving.

Now, because of the literally hitler DJT, we're hiding in the rubble of once magnificent cities while we wait for our turn at a cannibal's supper.

If only hillery (PBUH) was our leader we would still have a chance of a fantastic life free of danger, disease and sorrow.

Oh no, they're smashing though the door. Goodbye cruel Wor

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