Sunday, October 06, 2013

Obama Revives Space Program to Shut Down National Park on the Moon

The space program, which had been mothballed after the 2008 election, received an unexpected shot in the arm from the government shutdown with an emergency mission to the moon.

After his victory, Obama had shut down planned missions to the moon and mars, and shut down the space shuttle and the replacement space vehicle for it.

But a recent bill by two Congressional Black Caucus members to establish a National Park on the lunar landing site created an urgent need to immediately shut down the Apollo Lunar Landing National Historic Park before anyone could actually visit it.

"The government is shut down. All 17 percent of it," said National Park Service spokeswoman Sequoia Jackson. "We've barricaded national monuments and the ocean. We evicted restaurants and homeowners living on Federal land. We don't know how else to get the message across that the government is shut down and there is no money except by launching an emergency 2 trillion dollar mission to plant barricades on the moon."

The crash program to reach the moon before the shutdown ends and plant barackades on it has already begun. Four non-essential furloughed Federal workers, selected for their diversity of races, sexual orientations and gender identities, underwent rapid weightlessness training in the back of a UPS truck hurtling down the hill to make a rush delivery.

Despite the government shutdown, Tesla Industries was given an immediate 2 trillion dollar contract to construct a space vehicle by the end of the weekend. Government spokesmen denied that the contract had anything to do with its founder and CEO's generous donations to Obama.

Tesla CEO Elon Musk unveiled plans for the NPS Barackade this afternoon. The plans were drawn in crayon on a TGI Friday's placemat, but look no less impressive for that.

"The NPS Starship Barackade will have twelve Green engines powered by piles of recycled laptop batteries," Musk told reporters while nibbling on an egg and cheese sandwich. "It will recycle its wastes. Its outer skin is made of recycled aluminum from all the Tesla cars that burned up. Its rocket booster is powered by the recorded screams by Al Gore and Howard Dean. Its navigation system is lifted from a driving App we found at the App Store."

But will it fly? That's the question.

The plan is to have the NPS Barackade pass around the moon, swing down into lunar orbit and then begin a sharp descent over the Sea of Tranquility. The Barackade's crew will then deploy barricades around the site of the original Apollo 11 landing blocking out the view of the flag. A 100 foot white sheet will be fastened over the barricades to prevent views from above.

The sheet will read in letters large enough to be seen by the telescope of the Mauna Kea Observatories. "The Moon is closed due to the Shutdown of the Federal Government. Come back later."

The four members of the NPS Barackade Crew were introduced at a press conference held just outside the barricades of NASA HQ.

Mananda Jones, a biracial bisexual postal worker fired for stealing postage stamps who then successfully sued for discrimination.

Lucy Whitlock, born Lucien, a transgender man, who joined the National Park Service to help bears get in touch with their gay identity and underwent extensive reconstructive surgery and a gender change after repeated maulings.

Bert Rogby, a member of the EPA's SWAT Team Cypress 16 that had personally brought down a man who spit on the sidewalk in Seattle, before being furloughed.

Abdul Hassan Mohammed, NASA's Chief of the Division of Muslim Self-Esteem who had been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for convincing a Muslim suicide bomber planning to bomb an airline that Muslims had invented planes. And barf bags.

"This is the most diverse space crew outside television," Attorney General Eric Holder said, after filing fourteen lawsuits in four hours against all the original crewmembers due to their lack of diversity. "If gravity interferes in any way with their launch, it will be considered a hate crime... and we will prosecute physics."

"Our goal is simple," said National Park Service Space Division chief Malik Edwards. "We're gonna land on the moon. We're gonna Barackade the moon to let everyone know the moon is closed. It's gonna be a real inspiration to the youth."

Responding to questions about where the 2 trillion dollars for the moon shutdown would come from, Obama dismissed the question. "Spending 2 trillion dollars to shut down the moon is actually going to shrink our national debt. And our deficit."

Attempts to verify that math were aborted when a Park Ranger grabbed the calculator, stomped on it and declared that math had been shut down.

The NPS Barackade launches tomorrow from a gantry of barricades that it will carry up with it to the moon. But Obama has already recorded his speech for the launch.

"Two-hundred years ago, President John F. Kennedy said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you can do for your country.' These brave Federal workers traveling into the uncharted depths of space have chosen to ask the opposite question. Ask not what they can do for their country or why they even have jobs. Ask how you can give them another raise."

"Today they are faring forth heroically to shut down the moon, the way that their ancestors set sail in the Mayflower to shut down Plymouth Rock and crossed the Oregon Trail to shut down California.

"Tomorrow, we may go outward to shut down Mars or Jupiter. And beyond, centuries hence, brave Federal workers will fly starships to shut down Alpha Centauri or the Andromeda galaxy. They will fly into black holes to shut them down and put up barricades around pulsars so that when aliens come billions of years from now after the human race has long been extinct, they will know that the Federal government is still shut down.

"I see the bright faces of young people out there watching this and thinking to themselves that if a bunch of useless idiots who spent their whole lives implementing regulations and smoking in the stairwell can try and fail to go to the moon, they too can get jobs in which they do nothing all day until the government decides to launch them on a suicide mission into space.

"I see in them the hopes and aspirations of a young woman from Kansas and a young polygamist from Kenya who aspired to shut down America.

"Their wishes came true through a young boy growing up in Hawaii who succeeded in realizing their dream. As these four idiots launch into space and die screaming because their air revitalization system consists of a used air conditioner from Tesla's second floor and they have no air, let us pay tribute to the adventurers and explorers who dream big.

"Who dream of shutting down Mount Rushmore and shutting down the Grand Canyon. Who dream of shutting down the rivers and oceans. Who dream of shutting down America.

"Obamaspeed, Abdul Hassan Mohammed. Obamaspeed."


Anonymous said...

They'd do it if they could.

Chavi said...

I LOVE THIS ARTICLE. Vive le Sultan.

This shutdown was supposed to be the farce of the decade. Leave it to O to take it out on vets and senior citizen homeowners. Ugh.

Servo1969 said...

You do realize if Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee reads this she will think it's an actual news report, right?

jay miner said...

"If gravity interferes in any way with their launch, it will be considered a hate crime... and we will prosecute physics." funniest thing i have read in a long time!! Thanks Daniel

Daniel Greenfield @ the Sultan Knish blog said...

If Sheila Jackson reads this, she will assume that it's something that happened in 1965

Edward Cline said...

He's not only taking it out on vets and senior citizens. In Virginia, he has shut down the 15-mile long Colonial Parkway that links Colonial Williamsburg, the Yorktown Battlefield, and Jamestown. Concrete barricades were set up at key points to prevent tourists from going to those sites. Residents of Yorktown cannot use the Parkway to get home or to their jobs, but must use county and state back roads. The Colonial Parkway was a federal Civilian Conservation Corps project in the 1930's. The closings have caused visitors to cancel their plans to visit Colonial Williamsburg and the two other historical sites, or to cut their visits short. All Obama is doing is racking up negative points as the most despised President in U.S. history, because his malice is open for all to see. Couple that with his guaranteeing laid off federal workers their back pay, together with his getting his favorite federal golf course exempted from the shutdown, and this creature is eliciting contempt even among his various peanut galleries.

Bruce Majors said...

I just hope those government programs that keep Guam and Samoa from tipping over are not cut. My her bleeds for all those poor innocent penguins.

tyrannovar said...

I just woke up and took a quick scan through your post. I felt sure you were describing some modern day leader of a Melanisian Cargo Cult. Hmmm....guess I better save that for a different blog.

Anonymous said...

Just wait until they get Obamacare fully implemented. What do you think they will shut down then when they want to punish the American people for not submitting.

AG said...

It is amazing that they can shut down all of the Grand Canyon, but can't manage to shut down our open borders.

Columba said...

Simply hilarious! I especially love the abolition of math, but all of it is wonderful. Actually, I've been wondering why they haven't shut down airports, since aircraft fly through national air space. (Maybe I shouldn't have said that in public; it'll give them ideas.)

Anonymous said...

Brilliant! The child king is a smarmy and mean bully/thug who needs a good spanking, a long time out in the corner, and his golf clubs taken away from him permanently.


Anonymous said...

In other news Obama continues to blame Snowball for the government shutdown.

He also praised the National Park Service for its out outreach to Moslem nations. Jihadists everywhere are praising our new can't do spirit.

meema said...

Is it time to make wild guesses at what will be closed next? We could offer small prizes.

Zenster said...

Attempts to verify that math were aborted when a Park Ranger grabbed the calculator, stomped on it and declared that math had been shut down.

This one part has to be true. Only by outlawing mathematics can they make the numbers in 0bamacare work! But don't you worry, folks, it's nothing that printing a few more trillion dollars can't solve.

Edward Cline: All Obama is doing is racking up negative points as the most despised President in U.S. history, because his malice is open for all to see.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

Not even Richard Nixon displayed such obvious contempt for the American people. That's because, in this case, it's not an issue of contempt, it's a matter of outright hatred. The Left's moral inversion is nigh well complete now that it has elected to this nation's highest office one who utterly despises it. There's only a few millimeters remaining that separates us from the final precipice and, goodness knows, they're still pushing with all their might.

Carl Stevenson said...

This would be humorous if it weren't so believable ...

fsy said...

We could have avoided all the current insanity last November by just voting out this comical gangster. Whatever is wrong with Mitt Romney, he is light-years ahead of Obama just by virtue of being a responsible adult with actual achievements to his name. In a sane America, Obama would have gotten at most 20% of the vote for re-election, but I guess we're very far from a sane America. G-d help us all!

Dennis Latham said...

Great stuff. You will automatically be classified a racist by every Liberal in the country. They have absolutely no sense of humor or the abstract.

Proof said...

You inspired at least one Photoshop with your headline...

Daniel Greenfield @ the Sultan Knish blog said...

I don't know if I inspired it, but it certainly fits nicely with the theme

Anonymous said...

do all of you actually believe Obama shut down the government? maybe you CAN fool most of the people most of the time!

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