The space program, which had been mothballed after the 2008 election, received an unexpected shot in the arm from the government shutdown with an emergency mission to the moon.
After his victory, Obama
had shut down planned missions to the moon and mars, and shut down the space shuttle and the replacement space vehicle for it.
But a recent bill by two Congressional Black Caucus members to establish
a National Park on the lunar landing site created an urgent need to
immediately shut down the Apollo Lunar Landing National Historic Park
before anyone could actually visit it.
"The government is shut
down. All 17 percent of it," said National Park Service spokeswoman
Sequoia Jackson. "We've barricaded national monuments and the ocean. We
evicted restaurants and homeowners living on Federal land. We don't know
how else to get the message across that the government is shut down and
there is no money except by launching an emergency 2 trillion dollar
mission to plant barricades on the moon."
The crash program to
reach the moon before the shutdown ends and plant barackades on it has
already begun. Four non-essential furloughed Federal workers, selected
for their diversity of races, sexual orientations and gender identities,
underwent rapid weightlessness training in the back of a UPS truck
hurtling down the hill to make a rush delivery.
government shutdown, Tesla Industries was given an immediate 2 trillion
dollar contract to construct a space vehicle by the end of the weekend.
Government spokesmen denied that the contract had anything to do with
its founder and CEO's generous donations to Obama.
Tesla CEO Elon
Musk unveiled plans for the NPS Barackade this afternoon. The plans were
drawn in crayon on a TGI Friday's placemat, but look no less impressive
"The NPS Starship Barackade will have twelve Green
engines powered by piles of recycled laptop batteries," Musk told
reporters while nibbling on an egg and cheese sandwich. "It will recycle
its wastes. Its outer skin is made of recycled aluminum from all the
Tesla cars that burned up. Its rocket booster is powered by the recorded
screams by Al Gore and Howard Dean. Its navigation system is lifted
from a driving App we found at the App Store."
But will it fly? That's the question.
The plan is to have the NPS Barackade pass around the moon, swing down into lunar orbit and then begin a sharp descent over the Sea of Tranquility. The Barackade's crew will then deploy barricades around the site of the original Apollo 11 landing blocking out the view of the flag. A 100 foot white sheet will be fastened over the barricades to prevent views from above.
The sheet will read in letters large enough to be seen by the telescope of the Mauna Kea Observatories. "The Moon is closed due to the Shutdown of the Federal Government. Come back later."
The four members of the NPS Barackade Crew were introduced at a press conference held just outside the barricades of NASA HQ.
Jones, a biracial bisexual postal worker fired for stealing postage
stamps who then successfully sued for discrimination.
Whitlock, born Lucien, a transgender man, who joined the National Park
Service to help bears get in touch with their gay identity and underwent
extensive reconstructive surgery and a gender change after repeated maulings.
Bert Rogby, a member of the EPA's SWAT
Team Cypress 16 that had personally brought down a man who spit on the
sidewalk in Seattle, before being furloughed.
Mohammed, NASA's Chief of the Division of Muslim Self-Esteem who had
been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for convincing a Muslim suicide
bomber planning to bomb an airline that Muslims had invented planes.
And barf bags.
"This is the most diverse space crew outside
television," Attorney General Eric Holder said, after filing fourteen
lawsuits in four hours against all the original crewmembers due to their
lack of diversity. "If gravity interferes in any way with their launch,
it will be considered a hate crime... and we will prosecute physics."
goal is simple," said National Park Service Space Division chief Malik
Edwards. "We're gonna land on the moon. We're gonna Barackade the moon
to let everyone know the moon is closed. It's gonna be a real
inspiration to the youth."
Responding to questions about where the
2 trillion dollars for the moon shutdown would come from, Obama
dismissed the question. "Spending 2 trillion dollars to shut down the
moon is actually going to shrink our national debt. And our deficit."
to verify that math were aborted when a Park Ranger grabbed the
calculator, stomped on it and declared that math had been shut down.
NPS Barackade launches tomorrow from a gantry of barricades that it
will carry up with it to the moon. But Obama has already recorded his
speech for the launch.
"Two-hundred years ago, President John F.
Kennedy said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what you
can do for your country.' These brave Federal workers traveling into the
uncharted depths of space have chosen to ask the opposite question. Ask
not what they can do for their country or why they even have jobs. Ask
how you can give them another raise."
"Today they are faring forth
heroically to shut down the moon, the way that their ancestors set sail
in the Mayflower to shut down Plymouth Rock and crossed the Oregon
Trail to shut down California.
"Tomorrow, we may go outward to
shut down Mars or Jupiter. And beyond, centuries hence, brave Federal
workers will fly starships to shut down Alpha Centauri or the Andromeda
galaxy. They will fly into black holes to shut them down and put up
barricades around pulsars so that when aliens come billions of years from now after the human race has long been extinct, they will know that
the Federal government is still shut down.
"I see the bright faces
of young people out there watching this and thinking to themselves that
if a bunch of useless idiots who spent their whole lives implementing
regulations and smoking in the stairwell can try and fail to go to the
moon, they too can get jobs in which they do nothing all day until the
government decides to launch them on a suicide mission into space.
see in them the hopes and aspirations of a young woman from Kansas and a
young polygamist from Kenya who aspired to shut down America.
wishes came true through a young boy growing up in Hawaii who succeeded
in realizing their dream. As these four idiots launch into space and die
screaming because their air revitalization system consists of a used
air conditioner from Tesla's second floor and they have no air, let us
pay tribute to the adventurers and explorers who dream big.
dream of shutting down Mount Rushmore and shutting down the Grand
Canyon. Who dream of shutting down the rivers and oceans. Who dream of
shutting down America.
"Obamaspeed, Abdul Hassan Mohammed. Obamaspeed."