Articles

Monday, September 30, 2013

Government Shuts Down, Nation Descends into Riots, Looting and Cannibalism

The United States of America (1787-2013) came to a swift and sudden end last night as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.

The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun
confiscations, food stamps and Green Energy programs unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia.

"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."

Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff.

With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India, but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.

The victims were many. In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Senegalese woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.

And there was worse to come.

The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.

An army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Martho, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by ACORN volunteers to bring order to the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and be fed to the people.

In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities. Their calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to Eric Holder's private voicemail along with frequent messages from his coke dealer demanding to be paid, like right now, and requests for weapons manuals from several Mexican cartel bosses.

In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.

In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and declared himself to be the nation's new leader. While some suspect him to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a hastily erased message reading "Impeach Nixon" on the side, the city fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.

In the midst of all this chaos, a weary nation's eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native American smoke signals decoded it to read, "I told you so. Now we're all doomed."

The only surviving member of the national government outside the dead zone is believed to be Vice President Joseph Biden who showed up on a beach in Waddiddi, Florida, where he has spent hours entertaining himself by building an elaborate 1/100 scale model of the White House out of sand. Attempts to inform him that the tide was coming in have fallen on deaf ears.

As the nation descends into chaos, one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us all. Just like the last 17 times.

64 comments:

Anonymous said...

National Museum of Native American Yarn: Good one.

Bruce Majors said...

I'd say "Marry me" but I know how you stand on that issue.

Anonymous said...

Der oilem is a goilem.

Edward Cline said...

Great spoof, Daniel. Meanwhile, here in Williamsburg, a mob of Colonial Williamsburg costumed impersonators besieged the residence of Foundation president Colin Campbell (and Democrat) and demanded that he abolish all politically correct programs that call for female fifers and drummers, female footpersons, and other gender-based concessions to Title IX, and that the Foundation return the federal funds that require it to submit to "equal opportunity" and other federally mandated programs. Other costumed activists forced the Education Department to cancel all disorientation classes for new hires (not that there are any new hires). In Richmond, a band of Tea Partiers evicted Democratic Senators Mark Warner and Tim Kane from their plush offices and plan to make the vacant space the headquarters of a new startup company. Removed from office, Warner and Kane were immediately hired by neighboring Busch Gardens to appear in the Tunnel of Horrors, dressed as ghoulish surgeons in Obamacare gowns…..

Bill in AZ said...

Although the examples are intentionally bizarre and over the top, why do I get the feeling that, were one of them to happen, I really wouldn't be surprised?

Well done!!

GK said...

Great post. Thank you.

BMW-Dick said...

Marvelous. This wl ease my personal suffering.

Anonymous said...

This is the most glorious piece of writing I have read in months.

Chucky_Dee said...

This is Brilliant ! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

I agree, this is this is totally pathetic what the Dems are doing to this country!

Anonymous said...

Wonderfully amusing article. Government shutdowns are a welcome breath of fresh air and a teachable moment for just how little these officious overseers are needed in most citizens everyday lives.

Anonymous said...

This is great! Thanks so much.
Annie

ericcs said...

Daniel, thanks for the irony. It made me laugh, which these days I do very little.

Shut it down, shut it all down. Make it a month, NO make it a year! The bloated excuse for government that this country has now is nothing but the day-by-day incrementalism of bureaucratic tyranny. As Hannah Arendt recognized long ago, it is the banality of evil.

That the effing left could bring it to this point time after time after time only proves the depth of their lies and disingenuous agenda. Need we make this analogy one more time? … Raising the debt ceiling is equivalent to increasing the credit line on your credit card after maxing it out, with the intent of doing it again minus even the slightest attempt at fiscal responsibility. On top of that, the effing left has the unmitigated gall to blame the whole situation on those oh-so-evil Tea Partiers, slinging all the de rigueur name-calling that passes for leftist discourse.

God d@#n the left.

Christine said...

you had me at lawn darts. Hilarious! Great article!

ericcs said...

Japan has just decide to raise its consumption tax from 5% to 8%. It's time for conservatives to do likewise, but instead apply the Cloward-Piven strategy. Go along with the rancid leftists, up their ante, and raise the minimum income tax to 50%. Reality will immediately assert itself, and true Americans will then finally be presented with an inescapable choice to fish or cut bait. Yes, it's a dangerous strategy, but if any society in the world has the backbone to revolt, it is Americans. If true Americans don't rise up in fury at that point, then not only will they never do so, but they deserve the wholesale tyranny that will then ensue.

Anonymous said...

I wonder how long it will be before the "real" made up stories start.Before Diane Sawyer turns her puffy lips and doe eyes to the camera, and begins to enumerate the litany of horrors that the Republican shutdown has visited upon the denizens of Victim Nation. This week for sure....maybe even tonight. Steve Brennan

mr said...

Hilarious, and right on!

Anonymous said...

Laugh all you want but this is real hardship. I had half of the NJ undead at my door. Instead of immediately reaching emergency federal personnel I got an automated system.
Is this about a flood....No
Is this about an earthquake .... No
Is this about a tornado ..... No..... An hour and half later the system finally gets to asking about zombie cannibals. I tell them my location and a response team finally comes out and registers them all Democrat. TAKE THAT TEA TURDS!!!!

Anonymous said...

All nonessential services will be discontinued, then why do we have them ? The first to go should be the president and senate. The country would run fine without them.

Anonymous said...

Sequester writ large. Shut it down and the people celebrate! A true horror story, from the totalitarian point of view.

Empress Trudy said...

I tend to take a somewhat different tack. And that is, if the shutdown is not catastrophic then the government is essentially useless - a hungry beast that exists for by and of itself and that it has fundamentally supplanted the notion of a 'country'. We seem to willfully ignore the point that the government is supposed to govern, it's supposed to do something besides exist for it itself until it blots out the sun. And while there are I suspect quite a few on the left who would love to see the government become the state become the nation become the society itself like an ever growing grey goo puddle of carnivorous nanobots, the alternative is that we have this fake Disney animatronic puppet show with all sorts of fake Fisher-Price buttons on it that do nothing - a machine that's essentially pointless. I'm not sure which is worse.

Fuzzy Slippers said...

Absolutely brilliant!

(I laughed out loud at Bruce Majors' comment.)

Anonymous said...

Excellent Piece Sir .

meema said...

First I laughed and then I laughed again at the priceless comments. Thank you so much. I laughed and laughed and you know how sometimes a really big belly laugh teeters on the edge of crying? I wanted to hug every one of you.

Anonymous said...

Danny you never cease to amaze me. This was absolutely freakin brilliant. I have not laughed so hard in ages...you got right to the point..and the point is that with these morons in charge there is no point...except for the one on the top of their heads, that is when their heads are not stuck in a dark place denying reality. This is deserving of the tip jar...you made my day. I thank you for the hearty laugh. Jean

Randyambeth said...

Now is an opportune time to get a new government... at a discount.

Anonymous said...

#if_government_is_shutdown:
Little old ladies won't have anywhere public to go, to be fondled by nice young men.

The American public will lose the comprehensive backup of all their emails.

The Dallas Police department will be limited to 6 divisions of tanks.


Roving bands of outlaws on the streets will be selling incandescent light bulbs to your children.

Last 2, courtesy of IowaHawk David Burge

Bill K.

Anonymous said...

You know what the sad part is? This is what Obama is going for.. The end of America.

Papa Buckland said...

When you die can I have your brain? I couldn't help but quote this. Hope you don't mind...

http://rightreactions.blogspot.com/2013/10/quote-of-day.html

Anonymous said...

Love it! Thanks :-)

matt dickinson said...

Very funny article, but doesn't this bit of reality sort of fit in?

http://oathkeepers.org/oath/2013/10/01/oath-keepers-is-going-operational-by-forming-special-civilization-preservation-teams/

Anonymous said...

I understand this is a hyperbolic "poke' at our current situation, but there are many people whose lives are being deeply affected. One of the is the Wic program, which provides low-income pregnant women, new mothers and children up to the age of five with healthy food, is not funded as of Tuesday morning. Why didn't the Republicans fight to keep this?

orbitup said...

That was great but I really LMAO at the smoke signal bit.

Daniel Greenfield @ the Sultan Knish blog said...

food stamps will keep on keeping on

Anonymous said...

This is the stupidest thing I ever read. What are you drinking??? If we allow this method of challenging laws we will destroy democracy in this country. When you all want a war you are so happy to rack up a huge debt and increase government without a thought. However, the thought of feeding the hungry or helping the sick really seems to piss you all off!! Check on Sunday to see who the real head of yoru church is.

ericcs said...

There needs to be an answer for fools and liars like Anonymous. Unfortunately, since they refuse to listen to logical discourse, since they refuse to accept reality, since they refuse to step outside of their immaculate memes, narratives and fantasies, then the only answer they will ultimately understand is one of force.

The left is either at your feet or at your throat. If you don't believe this, if you quickly dismiss it out of hand as over-the-top rhetoric, then you are simply a fool, and you will end up with their boot stamping on your face - forever.

Alan Chwick said...

Simply brilliant! A brilliant piece.

G_d, I just love satire...

Abu Nudnik said...

You forgot the defunding of Buffy and the crisis of uncontrolled zombies and vampires.

HANCOCK said...

It's truly tragic that the Congress of the United States of America has been infiltrated by a sniveling band of prepubescent kindergarteners who quit the game and take their ball home when they don't get their way. Even more tragic is the un-Godly amount of taxpayer money required to fund this incredible folly.

Zenster said...

Ah, yes. The slippery slope that begins with mattress tags and ends in total chaos.

What's not to like?

Conner Warren said...

Great is the Kaiser of Bismarkia! For He shall lead us to glory! Prepare to be united america! Hail the Kaiser!

Anonymous said...

It is well known that obamacare and the democrats are the madness of many, for the gain of a few.

Anonymous said...

I guess the first Anonymous poster missed the history lesson about Parliament gaining the power of the purse as a restraint on the Crown, and the civics lesson about the Founders copying that arrangement by giving the House, as the body most responsive to the will of the people, the power of the purse as a restraint on the Executive.

I think the Founders regarded the possibility of the House shutting down the government by refusing to pass funding measures to the liking the President as a positive good, or in modern terms a feature, not a bug.

Anonymous said...

To survive whatever, a sense of humor is critical. Once that is lost, so is America.

aruanan said...

Except that only 37% of the federal government is shut down, and a large percentage of that is not mandated by law but simply directed by Barry.

Anonymous said...

"Why didn't the Republicans fight to keep this?"

They are, but they're getting shut down to protect a system that isn't even working in the vast majority of cases.

Anonymous said...

Take a look at Detroit. It was run into the ground by Democrats for years. The Federal Government will be next. Their ineptitude is astounding.

Anonymous said...

The House should vote to hand over the National Parks to the States. The feds only have Constitutional authority over "forts and dockyards", that is, military bases. Nothing about recreational or preservational land. The States could then sell the parks to private corporations with a vested interest in maintaining their scenic values. State legislatures should begin circulating a Constitutional amendment to restore control over the Senate to the legislatures of the several States. That would reduce or eliminate unfunded mandates. Repeal the income tax. That was the source of US involvement WWI and every disaster since then. Prior to 1913, the federal government was funded by excise taxes on alcohol. As more States adopted prohibition, that source of funding was diminished, and the feds started looking to the taxing of incomes as a way to make up the loss. A good reason to return to that method of financing such national governance as we might think we still need.

Kim said...

" But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. "

Yes, please.

Anonymous said...

And in the wake of the apocalypse came innumerable bureaucrats. And from that legion came regulations and taxes enough to force every man to their knees.

Oh wait, that's already happened...

Anonymous said...

Wow - you are one very talented satirist, sir!!! Absolutely brilliant and hilarious!

Anonymous said...

Hard-hitting reporting, Sultan! Only the liberal media really believe the shutdown will really shut down the government. The rest of us can only wish it were so.

Anonymous said...

Good Stuff Daniel!!!:):)

Anonymous said...

WIC? Lady, the only person who should be laying out cash for your baby is the guy what boinked you, and that ain't me.

musings said...

And in other news, citizens burned leaves and junk furniture in the street, shooting off leftover Roman candles which had been hidden after the Boston bombing as contraband.

Anonymous said...

Several years ago I was coming home from a road house at around 2 am and stopped at a flashing red light in the middle of nowhere and I remember thinking
'wow, what a good dog I am!" Now, since the "to big to fail, to big to jail" death of the rule of law I am no longer a good dawg!

Anonymous said...

Government shuts down, Russia invades.
Liberals welcome them with open arms, and are shot immediately.
Conservatives join in the shooting of liberals, then start bickering, and shoot each other.
Moderates sigh in relief, vow to fight invaders, and restore the government, unrestained by extremist morons.

Anonymous said...

After furloughing 800,000 workers wealthy Congresswoman Renee Ellmers replied when asked if she'd refuse her check "No, I need my paycheck".

Anonymous said...

Just as with "Atlas Shrugged", reality will eventually exceed the hyperbole...

Anonymous said...

I wonder how long the goverment needs to be shut down before the debt is cleared up?

Anonymous said...

Sauron's minions are on the march.

Anonymous said...

It is serious, especially considering the Republicans have sent the Senate bills funding the whole government except Obamacare. The democrats and the pres will not budge an inch. The democrats are responsible for shutting down all agencies that can be funded.

Anonymous said...

It is you that sounds sick to me.......

Chris Leete said...

I can't believe I missed this gem when you posted it! You made my morning.

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