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Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Looking Back on the Life of Barack Obama


Looking Back on the Life of Barack Obama

(CNN) Celebrity News Network - Now with More Holograms! - August 13, 2038

He Taught us to Laugh, He Made Us Believe, and then He Took All Our Money

He was the first black President of the United States, and he also became its last President when in 2019, after his term in office had been extended indefinitely by HR:0666 or "The Hope and Faith in Obama's Everlasting Presidency Act" (Holo-Link), he was forced to leave office because the government had run out of money to pay for itself.

Though he lived a very public life, few could agree on even the basic facts of his life. For a man who spent most of his life in front of the camera, his death leaves us with few answers about who Barack Obama (Holo-Link) really was. Obama only added to the uncertainty swirling around him by using multiple names,  multiple birthplaces and even passports.

The bestselling Presidential biographies of Obama, from Edmund Morris' "America's Greatest Con-Man" to Michael Beschloss' "Obama: Citizen of the World" cover the range of opinions on Obama's presidency.

And long after the fall of the United States, there is still no real consensus by former Americans on who Obama really was.

Yet to many Barack Obama represents a nostalgic time in history; the last years when such diverse nations as the Confederate States of California (Holo-Link), the Republic of New Hampshire, the People's Republic of Minnesota, the Empire of Texas, El Reino de Aztlan and the Arch-Duchy of Upper New York were all part of one single nation that stretched from ocean to ocean.

His Life

Born in a hospital in some still undetermined part of the world, Barack learned to use multiple names and identities at an early age. Traveling from country to country, the young Obama or Soetoro, would quickly become adept at blending into any culture. This skill would prove crucial in his political career, allowing him to invent new identities and win the trust of his audience. If there is one thing his biographers agree on, it's that he had a genuine gift for sensing what his audience wanted to hear. Unfortunately like most con artists, he lacked the same ability for long term financial planning, that he did for short term schemes to extract money from a gullible American public.

There is no denying that Obama cheerfully used fraud and strong arm tactics throughout his political career, but the chief weapon in his arsenal was flattery. Many of his supporters remember the special feeling of being made to feel that he was their friend. As one former aide wrote, "He taught us to laugh, he made us believe, and then he took all our money".

This conflicted legacy helps explain Barack Obama's popularity, even after his corruption and abuses of power destroyed the  government, ending the era of the United States for good-- he was ranked 4th on the prestigious Dow Jones' "Most Likable Celebrities in North America in 2019" index (Holo-Link).

It helped that Obama left the White House voluntarily after learning that there would be no more money left for his trips abroad, and that due to the failure of the Federal Reserve and the secession of 23 states from the Union, no national budget would be possible.

He did leave with everything of value in the White House that his family and associates could grab or pry out of the walls, but by then most Americans were too busy dealing with the problems of the Great Partition to notice. Even the farewell party that burned down most of the White House seemed a small thing in the wake of the Detroit Food Riots or the discovery of the Red River Gulag (Holo-Link).

His popularity afterward enabled Obama to begin several successful careers in the entertainment industry, including a long-running stint on the soap opera General Catastrope, his own line of shammy infomercials and a music career with such nostalgia singles as, "Where's Da Money", "Where All Da Money Go" and "What Happen to All Da Money?"

Even today viewers watching old fashioned television can still catch commercials of Obama in his older years, holding up a shammy cloth, dipping it in a spilled pool of olive oil and telling the audience to have faith that the mess would be gone. Even his famous tagline, "At a price that won't bankrupt you, unlike me" was meant to be a good humored reference to his controversial two and a half terms in office.

America's Leaders Send Their Condolences

From the Confederate States of California's Prime Minister Perez Hilton (Holo-Link), to King Lamar Alexander II of the Constitutional Monarchy of Tennessee, and all across the nation, America's leaders sent their condolences on the death of the last President of the United States.

Even the combatants in New York's Twenty Year Civil War interrupted their fighting, as New York City President Al Sharpton and Arch-Duke Molinaro sent their condolences.

In Arizona, Obama's former political rival, the 102 year former Senator, John McCain, sent his own condolences. Once considered too old compared to Barack Obama, McCain noted that he had in fact outlived him, while also passing along the wishes of his now 126 year old mother. As well as his daughter Meghan McCain, off in space as the First Woman on Mars (Holo-Link).

From the United States of Alaska, to the Democratic People's Republic of Minnesota, from the bloody trench warfare of Westchester  to the farthest South American outposts of the Empire of Texas, the messages of sympathy came as tribute to the passing of the man who had made their fractured existence possible.

Remembering Obama

All across the land formerly known as America, millions are choosing to remember Obama in their own way.

From the vigils held in front of the Apollo Theater, where the musical, "Barack Superstar" has been running for almost three decades straight, even under artillery fire from Englewood during the Tri-State War, to the ceremonial million dollar burnings in the Republic of New Hampshire, where crowds burn the infamous "million dollar bills" with Obama's portrait on them that were issued during the 2017 devaluation which made ten thousand dollars equivalent to a single Euro, no one can ignore the death of America's last President.


CFN, the Celebrity Funeral Network, is reported to have won the bidding rights to the Obama funeral, and plans are underway to hold a three day funeral, to be broadcast from the spot where Chicago once stood. And corporate sponsors have already lined up to cover ad buys for the flowers, vehicles for the funeral train and logos for the coffin itself.

After the ceremonies, the speakers, the guest musical performers and the services by an Imam, African Liberationist Minister and Reform Rabbi, Obama's funeral plane is expected to fly low over every major American city still standing, inciting riots, mass panic and all the chaos and destruction necessary for a proper sendoff to the man who destroyed America.

A Complicated Legacy

Like the best of con artists, Obama had a way of reflecting people's expectations back at them. Despite living one of the most public lives of his generation, through millions of interviews, his own talk show and even a sex tape, no one could really claim to know him.

Survived only by one racist white granddaughter, Ariana Michaela Stover, a member of the New Klu Klux Klan, his real legacy remains the political and economic chaos that he so cheerfully spawned.

To his contemporaries, Obama became a symbol of hubris, a byword for the arrogance of a generation that valued style over substance, and allowed radical politics to outshout basic common sense.

To a generation that has grown up after the fall of the United States, Obama is part of a baffling archeology of symbols and figures that have no value except for entertainment purposes. (Holo-Link)

It may be that there was no real Obama, only a man who served as a metaphor for a culture that had lost touch with its own identity, embracing change for the sake of novelty and becoming incapable of paying attention to anything that was not entertaining enough.

Obama was a symptom of America's collapse, rather than its cause.

This has been another fine holo-cast from CNN Celebrity Network News. Stay with us for more coverage of celebrities. Their lives, their deaths, their weddings and their funerals. And remember our 1000th viewer today wins a special prize. So stay with us. Because you don't want to miss a thing.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Very nice! Now THIS I like! We need a 'rosebud' moment that pulls it all together...which I can't think of right now.

But clever and imaginative-- thanks!

Anonymous said...

Fits right in with the jargon of our present time. Delightful!
BarbaCat

Anonymous said...

Some true and fascinating facts:

Obama is the first president to have a tombstone with only ideograms on it for his illiterate base. The ideogram meaning he was male confuses them and they tend to urinate on his grave.

Muslim Brotherhood had a memorial ceremony for him. Suicide bombers exploding made nice touch at end of 1812 Overture.

First President to be buried in a coffin lined with mirrors so he can see his own reflection for eternity. Who says there is no heaven!!

Jay Carney gave the eulogy at the funeral. He insisted Obama was still alive despite casket in front of him.

Choom gang gathers every year at the grave for a 21 bong salute.

Eric Holder castigated America for being too cowardly too deify Obama.

Reset button expected to resurrect him at any time.

Anonymous said...

Not a very complete Obit. It didn't even mention his disbandment (via Executive Order) of U.S. Congress just hours before they were to impeach him for treason.

occupant 9 said...

Obama/Soetoro/??? will be known for actively destroying America and for that sinister deed of "hope and change," America's Left will see him as the most "patriotic American" in the nation's history, despite being wholly unqualified to serve as POTUS, not least of due to his supposed father's actual British Commonwealth status as a citizen of Kenya in 1961.

SuzyQue said...

"Empire of Texas"

It's got a ring to it, doesn't it?

AG said...

I don't know, this post America world doesn't sound all that bad. I think the main thing will be people will finally see the results of Progressive-ism. Although I think Obama's fate may be more like the fall of Ghaddafi if this becomes reality or maybe like the fall of Sadam. This would make a fantastic Sci-Fi book, a continuation of the Orwellian traditional novella.

vladtepes2 said...

While Charles Darwin was travelling on his round the world expedition he was having a conversation with a man in Chile:

The host, talking about the state of Chile as compared to other countries, was very humble:
"Some see with two eyes,
and some with one,
but for my part I do not think that Chile sees with any."
-- Charles Darwin "The Voyage of the Beagle"

Perhaps, with the help of Mr Greenfield, there might still be hope that the United States can still see with one eye.

vladtepes2 said...

If anyone thinks that the States will be left to decide amongst themselves their own future as the country begins to disintegrate, think again.
The world is still ruled by carnivores, as soon as the states begin to go their own way there will scavengers ready to come crashing in and rip the carcass of the US apart.
China would be the first to rip off a chunk, Russia would be next, Mexico is invading even now.
This was one of the main reasons that Lincoln fought the Civil War, to keep the country united and unassailable, to avoid the horrors of disintegration..
The future of the US under Obama is to descend into19th century European endless ethnic, racial, neo-nationalistic and international wars.
And given non-white Obama's "chip on his shoulder" against white colonialist America, a disintegrated humbled America is just the outcome he is trying to engineer.

Anonymous said...

Tolja - OBAMAHDI

Methinks thou doth jest too much..
^^^ NOT A CHANCE

danfan

MotherGoose said...

"King Lamar Alexander II of the Constitutional Monarchy of Tennessee"

Please, no. Say it ain't so. We're trying to get rid of this crook.

Anonymous said...

Please, please, did Valjar survive? She did ! I always knew she was a vampire..

meema said...

Could not be more entertaining. Sometimes you just hafta let loose doncha?

Anonymous said...

Empire of Texas has a nice ring to it.



But you left out how utterly boring Obama is. How I've yet to listen to an entire speech of us.

At least we could laugh at Ford for being a klutz, and GWB for being a little dense. At the end of the day Obama is nothing more than a well-groomed composite leader.

Keliata

plainjane said...

In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king...

11Fsteve in the desert said...

OUTSTANDING. You captured it with this paragraph:

It may be that there was no real Obama, only a man who served as a metaphor for a culture that had lost touch with its own identity, embracing change for the sake of novelty and becoming incapable of paying attention to anything that was not entertaining enough.

ajvent68 said...

Very charming piece. At first, I thought it would have been better without the humorous exaggerations, but it works just fine. After all, this country has become an exercise in excess!

Anonymous said...

President Obama made a liar out of me when I wrote that he was boring. He was in Buffalo and could tell the difference between Congressman Brian Higgins and mayor Byron Brown. Obama didn't look to thrilled when the crowd became very vocal and corrected him.

College kids had to correct him. Anyway, it had me roaring.

LOL again when Bernie Tolbert, who is running against Brown used Obama's mistake in a campaign ad.

So yeah, the president was entertaining lol. What's with him? We have 57 states, Marine "corpse" and a US Congressman as mayor?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSq3TqQVL1o


http://youtu.be/CFCpP9gUbK0

Keliata


Anonymous said...

* could not tell the difference

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