Monday, April 04, 2011
Posted by Daniel Greenfield 21 Comments
Hello American Voter,
They say time flies when you're having fun, and those four years sure went by real fast. Between the golfing and the legislating, the bailing out and the spending, suddenly you stop and wonder where the time went. I was just dancing the night away in sunny Rio, after committing American forces to a war that one of my advisers thought was a good idea, when suddenly it hit me and I stopped the samba and said. "Hey Michelle, isn't it time for another one of those elections."
I like elections myself. And if you're anything like me, you like them too. The campaigns are like this huge party that goes on for a whole year. And then when it's over, they throw you an even bigger party. There's lots of free food, you fly around on a jet plane to all the important states and everyone wants to have their picture taken with you. Some of my advisers are telling me that I might lose this one, but I don't believe that for a second. I mean how in the world could I lose?
Sure some of you are sore about the economy. I don't know why. All my top economic advisers, including that GE guy, say that we're in full recovery. Hell, I've been spending money like crazy. If there was anything wrong with the economy, wouldn't the money just run out? The problem is some of you just ain't educated enough. Now I go on campaign stops to some podunk little town in some state you couldn't normally pay me to visit and see all these dumb idiots standing around and asking where the jobs are. "Where are the jobs at, my man?" The jobs are in government. The canneries ain't coming back. The factories aren't returning from China. If you want to work, you work for the government. Like me.
Here's how you get started. You need to go to the right schools. It helps if your grandmother was a bank president and your father an international diplomat. But if you don't got that, it's okay too. See what really counts is a story. You gotta have a story about finding yourself. I wrote a bunch of admissions essays about that and a bunch of books about it. It didn't just get me into Columbia and Harvard, it got me into the White House. Now it's 2012 and I'm gonna be making a whole bunch of speeches and most of those speeches are gonna about my growth and development. How I want to use what I learned to help all you dopes who don't got it going on like I do. Same thing I wrote up for Columbia.
Hell of an admissions essay isn't it? It's gonna get me into the White House over and over again till I get bored and go do something else. Some of my advisers tell me I should go run the UN, but have you seen the house the President of the UN lives in? That's right. He ain't got no house. No fleet of jets either. And he can't just bomb any country cause he wants to. Maybe I'll stick around here till say 2024. Then I'll turn over all the sovereignty to the UN if they make me the President of the World.
So what was I saying? Yeah life is just like college. And most of those dopes asking for jobs, they never even went. Instead they spent their lives working with their hands. Who the hell wants to do that for a living? Even worse some of them were in the army. Like my man Kerry said, you gotta to college or you get stuck in Iraq. And he oughta know, he was in one of those army things. Now I'm stuck in Iraq, but I'm not 'stuck' in Iraq like some twenty something from Nebraska or Iowa. I'm 'Stuck in Iraq' in Rio. They're stuck in Iraq in Basra. You get me?
I don't know why anyone wouldn't go to college. It's great. You party all the time, smoke pot and BS your professors. If they ever call you on it, just tell them that as a Half-African who grew up in Indonesia you have a different cultural perspective that doesn't fit into their Euro-centric worldview. That's an automatic A right there. They love that stuff. Just stick to the humanities. Avoid those uptight science and math guys. You can't convince em that 2 + 2 = 5 if you really want it to be. That's what I've got Paul Krugman for.
If you're one of those dopes, maybe you're thinking to yourself right now, "But Barry, I'm not smart enough for college." Smart? You gotta be stupid to think you need brains to go to college. College is a system like everything else. You gotta work the system. It's not about what you know, but who you know. You're not there to learn anything except how to work the system. First thing to do is make contacts. You make the right contacts and you'll never have to work a day in your life. And now look at me. I play more golf than retired CEO's. I got celebrities lining up kiss my ass. Every time something happens anywhere in the world, they call me for help. I'm like Jesus, except even cooler.
Sure maybe I didn't do all the stuff I promised I would. But come on man, that stuff is hard. You ever try to end a war or fix an economy? Most I ever did was run for office. If they wanted somebody who would fix an economy, they should have hired an accountant or something. You want someone who knows wars and stuff like that, bring in a general. People like that don't win campaigns. Cool guys like me do. And that's why the Democrats brought me in. I make people feel good about themselves, by making them feel good about me.
I'm like Patch Adams with the sick kids dying of cancer. Those sick kids got cancer. They're going to die no matter what he does. But this way they die with a smile on their faces. America is like the sick kid with cancer. Sure it's gonna die. Brother Marx said all capitalist societies gotta go sooner or later. But this way you go with a smile on your face. You smile because you don't realize how bad it is. Just look at me dancing in Rio, vacationing in Martha's Vineyard or giving the Pope a high five. Doesn't it make you feel good to know America has got such a cool leader? You might be dying, but I'm the painkiller that makes it alright. I may kill you sooner, but you'll enjoy the high.
Now think about that for a minute. Sure you can elect some responsible guy who actually studied stuff in school. And he'll go look at those books and tell you that you're screwed. I didn't even look at those books and I know it. Now you elect that guy and he'll just spend four years bumming you out. He'll cut taxes, benefits and spending. But come on man, it's just rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic. The America you know. That big ugly flag, your Constitution, the pioneers, the bald eagle, the boy scouts and Abe Lincoln and the War of 1812-- all that stuff I bring up when I'm trying to be presidential is history. You just don't know it yet. And there ain't no going back. I'm the future, baby.
The future is the hustler. Forget jobs and hard work. Anything you can do, a bunch of Asian dudes can do for less. And they'll work longer hours with no benefits to do it. It's not about your technical skills, but your people skills. Everyone's hustling and you gotta hustle the hustlers. Get yourself a brand name. Build up an image. Work the crowds. Get out there and convince people that you got what they need. Make em give you money to do it. I got this one crazy ass Nazi billionaire to fund my grass roots campaign by promising to destroy America. That's how you do it. Play the game. Work your way up to the top. And when you get there, you're me. King of the hustlers.
That's what a campaign is all about. And that's why I love it. The feel of millions of hungry people looking for you to give them hope. And I look right in their faces and promise them that if they just give me another four years, everything will be alright. Sure it will.
Is this the warm sincere smile of a man who would lie to you? Again? No way. Stick with me and you won't even notice when it's all gone.
So get organized. Call your friends. Like me on Facebook. Retweet me. Send me money. Shoot videos of yourself supporting me while holding a Nintendo 3DS or an iPad 2 or some other trendy rich kid's toy. Something to show you're a cutting edge guy or girl. And go out there and support me. Get out there and hustle for me. And if you do it real well, someday you might even be me. If there's even an America still around by then.
Labels: Satire ·