Articles

Monday, July 05, 2010

NASA Unveils New Plan for Muslims in Outer Space

Barack H. Obama
666 Pennsylvania Ave
Washington, DC 20006



Dear Sir,

I cannot tell you how much we appreciate your budget cuts, your cancellation of the space shuttle and any replacement launch vehicle for it, forcing us to rely on Russian Soyuz ships and their space program, which can't even seem to dock with the ISS Space Station. Your wise decision in this regard, as well as your cancellation of any return trip to the moon, has caused us to reevaluate many of our programs, including the search for intelligent life on earth. We understand of course that space exploration must take a backseat to more important matters, such as bailing out the car companies and banks who contributed to your campaign. And of course the White House entertainment budget. Your historic actions since taking office have truly challenged us as an agency. We can only hope to one day be able to return the favor.

After carefully reviewing your new priority for NASA, to reach out to Muslims and make them feel good about "their historic contribution to science, math, and engineering", which consisted mainly of ripping off Greek and Indian science, and passing it off as their own, we have developed a comprehensive plan for utilizing the talents and abilities of Muslims to further the goals of this nation's goals space program, which you so articulately described as "That Outer Spacey Thing".


Project 1: HATE Ignition

Project HATE proposes to solve NASA's difficulties with liquid fuel rockets by employing Muslim technological innovation to achieve a new and inexpensive means of reaching Low Earth Orbit. We propose to use the greatest Muslim technological invention of the last 50 years, the suicide bomber (and by invention I mean they stole that from Asia too) to replace liquid fuel propellant.

Project HATE (Highly Active Terrorist Explosions) will chain together a long string of suicide bombers within each booster rocket. The suicide bombers will be assured of 72 virgins in paradise, and each one will detonate after the other to form a daisy chain of explosions that will take the shuttle up into the sky.

Our best math suggests that it will take approximately 3000 suicide bombers within the SRB's to provide adequate liftoff thrust for the shuttle launch. We will need the Muslim world to cooperate with us by providing 3000 suicide bombers for each and every shuttle launch. The benefit of this is that not only will this reduce the cost of shuttle launches, but it will also save untold billions in the War on Terror.


Project 2: Throw Things at on the Jews

While we have been making efforts to reach out to Muslim countries and engage them in purely peaceful space exploration, our preliminary findings is that their main interest in space is to get into space in order to, and I quote, "Throw Things Down on the Jews". And Muslim technological developments in rocketry and launch vehicles such as Saddam's Space Gun "Big Babylon" and Iran's nuclear weapons programs all have the common aim of "Throwing Things Down on the Jews".

We at NASA believe that the best way to interest Muslims in space is to convince them of its potential for "Throwing Things at the Jews", but in a way that benefits all of mankind, and doesn't lead to any loss of life. As you may possibly know (or would if you did something besides golf and spend money all day) Earth is at risk of one day being struck by an asteroid that could potentially wipe out all life on the planet.

Utilizing your brilliant suggestion that we "go land on an asteroid", we plan to send an automated vehicle to an asteroid and deposit an Israel flag on an asteroid that may one day hit Earth. We are confident that the Muslim world will immediately step up and join forces with us to develop long range weapons capable of hitting that asteroid. Particularly if we also leave a tape player on its surface blasting, "Hava Nagilla".

Not only will this provide Earth with a poorly aimed global defense network against falling rocks from the sky, but it will also hopefully prevent rockets from being fired at schools, instead of into space where they belong.


Project 3: Mecca on Mars

Due to your cancellation of a next generation spacecraft, we can't even reach our own space station anymore, let alone Mars. This has forced us to think small. Really small. That is why our talented publicity  department, in between drawing detailed illustrations of you with your head up your own ass, have come up with a brilliant plan to get to Mars and engage the Muslim world in the space program.

With a little tinkering around in the Koran, they have inserted a minor entry in which Mohammed rides a flying horse to Mars, instead of Jerusalem. Since Mohammed neither visited Mars nor Jerusalem, we think one is as good as the other. And Mars, unlike Jerusalem has the advantage of being uninhabited, which if you have trouble understanding the English language, means that no one lives there.

Also due to Mars' lower gravity, a flying horse would be more aerodynamically plausible there, than here.

With the release of Koran 2.0 Mars Edition, we are confident that Muslims will begin flocking to Mars, and invade and overrun it, just as they did major portions of the Middle East, including the last place Mohammed hallucinated taking a flying horse to. And the kingdoms of Saudi Arabia, Kuwait and the UAE could afford to pay for a trip to Mars out of their pocket change. And we wouldn't even have to bow to them to get it done.

Our only concern is the slight possibility of intelligent life on Mars. What would an ancient race do when confronted with a maddened horde, intent on conquering their land, subjugating them and claiming that they had been there all along? Just in case, perhaps you and the Saudis should begin drawing up a peace plan, handing most of Mars over to the terrorists now. That worked out so well last time, didn't it?


Project 4: Space Camel

The ability of camels to survive in a hostile environment is well known. Camels have survived deserts, Moroccan bazaars and owners who put them in beauty contests. Perhaps they can also survive the harsh rigors of space.

Because we no longer have a spacecraft (thanks for that by the way, because why would a space program need one of those anyway) and no way of getting one, we might as well try camels. Why camels? Because they meet both your major priorities, engaging the Muslim world, and using "Clean Energy". And there's nothing cleaner than a camel. At least nothing outside a cesspool or rotting sewage.

Our plan is simple. We're going to take a bunch of camels. Get very drunk. Stick the camels in a catapult, and scribble some arabic numerals in a notebook. Do some algebra, and invite Muslims to participate in this new wonderful race to space. Then we're going to let the camels fly.

Honestly we don't know where the camels will land. They might land in deserted areas. They might land on houses or people. They might land on the White House. They might land on the moon. We just don't know! That's because due to your budget cuts, we can no longer afford calculators. Instead we're going to have our Muslim colleagues do the math for us on an abacus. Their advanced knowledge of science will surely see us through.

And frankly if you're going to engage children with the wonders of space, nothing will do it half as well as a shrieking camel flying through the sky.


Project 5: Time Machine

Since we don't have a budget, or spaceships or calculators anymore. And our new job is to run a self-esteem school for Muslims, we're out of ideas. The only ideas we have anymore show up when we're drinking. And since you took office, we've been drinking a lot. And I mean a whole lot. (These days we can give the Russians a run for their money at a drinking contest. The Russians say it's because now we know what it's like to live under the same government they used to have.)

So far our best idea is a time machine. We don't have all the details nailed down. But our calculations have shown us that we only need to go back to November 3rd, 2008. And we don't need to send back a human being. Only a 1 oz CD containing the economic indicators for the last year, and every major news story in America that didn't involve Reality TV stars or the media kissing your ass. We have prepared a Post It note that we will attach to that CD.

The note reads: "We're from the future. Don't vote for that jackass."

No you don't need to worry. We don't actually have a time machine yet. But we figure we have somewhere between 3-7 years of your term(s) in office to construct one. And when we do, you'll be the first to know.

P.S. We haven't figured out how to incorporate Muslims into this one yet, but maybe we'll order spicy goat curry takeout before we do it. Or we'll send that CD back to September 10th, 2001 instead, along with a Post It note reading, "We're From the Future. Don't vote for that jackass. And don't let any Muslims board planes."

Sincerely Yours

Charles S. Griffith
Administrator in Charge of Absolutely Not a Damn Thing
1601 NASA Parkway
Houston, Texas 77058


26 comments:

2sloe said...

OOoooooh, a daisy chain of explosions.
Ha ha! That's good.

Devorah said...

I love the title of this blog post. :)

Jesterhead45 said...

Even though its satire, I cannot help but wonder how the world would of turned out had someone from the future killed off mohammed before he preached his vicious creed.

Though nothing is really certain in such a scenario, for one thing, there would have been more diverse creeds and peoples in the world, the world would of reached the enlightenment / industrial age many years early and the mongols would have been less inclined to conquer all under heaven (see link).

http://www.wikiislam.com/wiki/History_of_Jihad_Against_the_Mongols


Another thing worth noting is that I find it hilarious yet sad that rather then reaching towards an optimistic future where humanity has reached the stars like many have taken for granted, that instead you now have certain people intent on holding humanity back from advancing and are pretty much commited to the anti-human VHEMT doctrine (see link), though not before taking us all back to the 7th century.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Voluntary_Human_Extinction_Movement

Following Him said...

Sultan ... You have been given a gift from God. Continue to use it. You have once again brought a smile to my face. I almost forgot how that feels. Bless you ...

Lemon said...

Poor NASA, put out to pasture. America will rent space on Russia shuttle now.

Crazy Daisy In Jersey said...

I loved this post! I'll be forwarding the link to everyone I know.

Thanks SO much for the laughs. God only knows how much I need them right now with Obummer in office.

Anonymous said...

If a "Shahid" get 72 starry eyed virgins, what does a "shahida get"?

:-)

dilogsys@inter.net.il

Leah said...

How sad that this attitude is what is in the White House. Scary.......

Anonymous said...

If being Muslim is so great then why doesn't dajaal just come out and admit he's one? Perhaps there is still some stigma associated with being a 6th century moon worshiper?

Muslims in space. Guess they'll be called Space H.E.R.P.E.S.
Human
Exploding
Retards
Purposed (for)
Eliminating
Semites.

Rebbele said...

brilliant and funny

Anonymous said...

This is a gross exaggeration of NASA's true efforts for space research. I would call it a misunderstanding, but I am confident that the writer of this message (as well as you, the blogger) made no effort to understand NASA's new space program, their mission in space, and efforts on Earth. I cannot see any other reason you posted this than to spread misinformation and further entrench ourselves in an "us versus them" mentality, depleting any hope of moving towards a global peaceful coexistence. We Jews have been leaders in so many areas of existence and we have set an example for the rest of the world in righteousness, humility, and values. We should continue to set that example and cease to spread hate, but instead spread understanding, forgiveness, and appreciation. Someone must take the first step. Let it be us. I hope this does not fall on deaf ears.

2sloe said...

SK/DG, guess what? (you MUST already know) this article made it onto the Home Page of Arutz Sheva, IsraelNationalNews.com today.

YOU ARE DOOMED TO FAME.
;-)

Last night I was too tired to click on the links in this piece. UNfortunately I did it this morning, and it floored me to see the page with video of Charles Bolden: speaking to Al Jazeera!

Last night, chuckling.
Today, nausea.

Daniel Greenfield @ the Sultan Knish blog said...

Anonymous,

just lean back and hum Kumbaya when the suicide bombers come

2sloe said...

Sighhhhhh.....
Anonymous, re: "...We Jews.... should continue to set that example and cease to spread hate, but instead spread understanding, forgiveness, and appreciation. Someone must take the first step. Let it be us."
As in, oh I don't know- The First Step in becoming unjustly evicted from Gush Katif and STILL homeless (?) so that hate-filled people could move in, destroy decades of productive loving work- not to mention desecrating your places of worship? THAT kind of "first step"?
Those families were abandoned, even by their own country.
How can any jewish person ask for an example of "appreciation" in view of that!?!
I'm not even jewish, and can not come to terms with what little I know.

There is a difference between just plain cynicism, being fed up, the need to vent, and actual HATE.
After all, SK/DG doesn't have any bombs strapped to himself in a crowd of innocent people.
Please be serious.

Shimona said...

Oh frabjous day, calooh, callay! The day when I discovered your blog (yesterday, I think!)
How I enjoyed having a really good laugh (at what would otherwise have had me cursing, shouting, building barricades etc.)

Anonymous said...

Jesterhead45 reminded me of a story I read a few years back. Two Muslim men broke into a facility where a time travel device was being tested. They were able to send themselves back to the time of Christ. Their objective was to kill Jesus before he could die on the cross thereby preventing the inception of Christianity. They were planning on jump starting the spread of Islam. A team was sent back also to try and stop them. Leading the team was a Jewish man who discussed with a friend that perhaps Judaism would've been better off without Christianity throughout the centuries. He considered thwarting the mission but came to the conclusion that it would be better to preserve history as it was. There was no mention whatsoever in the story of what our world would be like under the total domination of Islam.


Daniel - good job as always. Your satire and your wit are extremely sharp. I hope you get around to writing a book one of these days. It's a good thing you're not in Europe. This kind of satire would probably land you in court facing a stiff fine or jail time.

Debra

Liz said...

Too funny! The title reminds me of the spoof on the old Muppets TV show 'Pigs in Space'. But then that would be insulting to the pigs wouldn't it?

Shlomo said...

LOL

Thanks for the laugh, Daniel :)

Do you think there may be an ulterior motive here? I have bad feeling we are not hearing all the truth here. As i've said before we need to get Obama out. Palin is no use, an empty skirt, she endorsed Ron Paul didn't she? What do you think? How about Colonol West? What do you think his chances are? He is very Pro Israel, and said he will take on the Jihad. That's what we need. How can we launch a campaign to convince people to vote for him? Would appreciate one of your fine written analysis on Colonel. Allen West, how about the other anti Jihad candidate, the Hindu, I forget his name but Indians have suffered too at the hands of Islam

if we don't do anything we may lose more than NASA,

Daniel Greenfield @ the Sultan Knish blog said...

Palin endorsed Rand Paul, mostly her endorsements reflect a politician who's building support out of people with little in common, e.g. McCain, Paul

It doesn't raise questions about her competence, so much as her commitment to principle.

West seems pretty good, the activists will have to work on the ground in his district. Beyond that it's a donations issue. The Paul people have been great at routing out of state money to their man. And using social media to promote him. We could learn from them.

Shlomo said...

Daniel, winning in his district is one thing, he may well, but how to make him President. Do you then think that Palin would be a good choice? The thing is, if she is ready to drop her principles, it means she made her initial decisions on hoopla, and not facts. West may well do an about face too if he wants power, and realises that he will have to "get in line" so to speak. He will not win over the liberals as he stands now. Nor will palin for that matter.

I'm still thinking that this NASA business is fishy. We're not getting the true story. Could it be they're launching spy satellites to spy on Israel, but covering up? call me paranoid,

Daniel Greenfield @ the Sultan Knish blog said...

one step at a time

Lisa G in NZ said...

This was funny... great article Mr. Greenfield

Perhaps the BHO-regime is just doing all the tap dancing they can to appease all their muslim brethren (or something)...

On the other front, not getting much media: I'm hoping some juicy stuff comes out in the IL Gov Blago trial in Chicago.

Some suggest enough is in there already to impeach "the One" ... now if we could just find a court that isn't corrupt to start impeachment proceedings...?

Keli Ata said...

VERY funny!

I love the idea of Muslims in outer space. Hopefully Mars is far away from Alpha Centouri. It's a rather nice planet. Too nice to be invaded by Muslims.

"When James T. Kirk was captured in 1969 on Earth, and questioned on who he was by Lieutenant Colonel Fellini, a member of the US Air Force Air Police at the US 498th Airbase Group, Kirk explained that "the truth is, I'm a little green man from Alpha Centauri, a beautiful place. You ought to see it."

The Robinson Family from Lost in Space was also heading for Alpha Centouri, too.

Hmm. How about ejecting the traitorous Dr. Smith on to Muslim Mars to torment them? He'd make a great Muslim--like to whine, doesn't want to work, is a back stabber and uses kids as human shields.

PorkyThe Crusader said...

Loll Daniel,very Funny and True !

Anonymous said...

Is there a Pulitzer Prize for satire??? Sure fire winner!

rui said...

This one should be titled: "pigs in space"

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