Sunday, July 25, 2010

Future Biographies by Former Members of Congress

Congressmen, if there's one thing they do well, it's take your money. But once they're out of office and deprived of the power to make bad laws for good money-- they'll have to find another way to do it. And the easiest way is the biography. Because who doesn't want to read a sanitized and ghost-written account of a man or woman who spent 20 years not showing up to votes without being bribed first. Especially if it doesn't include the names of some of those who bribed him or her.

But with midterm elections coming up, many current Senators and Representatives will be finding some free time in their enforced retirement to write their biographies. And here are a few possible titles we might be seeing shortly.

Senator Harry Reid, the man who looks like a gravedigger and set his spade deep in the hard earth of Washington D.C. and tried to bury America's economy. Now that it's time for him to write his memoirs, expect them to be as lively, upbeat and fun as Harry Reid himself. No one will make it past the first 5 pages as he recalls his childhood in a salt mine, but that's because no one will buy the book.

When it comes time for a successfully unsuccessful, (or is that an unsuccessfully successful?) politician like Nancy Pelosi to leave office, that also means it's time to find someone to blame. Someone just waiting to be made a scapegoat. Someone like aliens.

And how do we know aliens didn't do it? There's no proof is there. Which will be a major selling point in San Francisco. Learn the story of how Nancy Pelosi fought valiantly against the aliens controlling her brain and making her pass all sorts of crazy laws. It's a testament to the political courage of a woman who takes credit for nothing and everything at the same time. Good work, if you can get it.

Sure some politicians might turn in dry biographies, recounting their imaginary childhoods, the time in their first campaign when they thought about getting a real job but decided to stick it out in politics instead, and those 40 pages that are ripped off from Neil Kinnock, but not Chris Dodd.

As the ultimate insider, Senator Dodd offers a page turning guide to getting great deals from banks and mortgage lenders by being elected to the Senate. This compelling biography will tell you just how much you can profit from being on the Senate Finance Committee, not to mention writing your own Financial Reform Bill. For anyone who loves savings and discounts, don't miss this book.

(Warning: Only works for US Senators.)

Out of the Sewers of DC and into the sewers of DC, California's favorite Bat Boy lives again! Thrill to the horrifying saga of Congressman Waxman. Gasp at the sight of his horrid birth! Faint dead away as he passes a bill to have the government regulate all Vitamins! Shudder and scream as he forces global warming offsets on hardworking farmers!

Everything horrible you've ever imagined is here. Bat boy is real and he's living and working (formerly) in Washington D.C.

What job could Congressman Alan Grayson be qualified for, once out of office? Soccer hooligan? Drunken Idiot Number 3 in a movie? Working at the DMV?

Sadly Grayson instead will go corporate to become the new face of McDonalds. We always knew he was a clown. Now he's a real clown with real greasepaint.

We don't know what the future holds for Congressman Nadler, but it probably will involve buildings with elevators. And french fries. And hamburgers. And steaks and salads. We're kidding about the salads of course. But without all the pork in congress, the good Representative will probably have to waddle twice as hard to the nearest buffet.

Keith Ellison. America's first Muslim congressman. What can the future possibly hold for him? America kicked him out office. Now the Great Satan must pay! Recommended by Atlantic Magazine, Pacific Weekly and the New York Times, this passionate screed about the way to reform Islam by killing even more Americans has been hailed as groundbreaking and explosive-- but mostly explosive.

Journey along with Ellison, as he meets up with Jihadis and tries to get on a plane despite being on a No Fly list, and having pants packed full of dynamite. This is a memoir that really gets under the skin of anyone who's wanted to kill a bunch of Americans.

Guam hasn't sunk has it? And there's only one man to thank for it. Congressman Hank Johnson! Battling the forces of ignorance on his own, Johnson alerted America and various confused military officials to the peril facing Guam. And since Guam hasn't sunk, clearly his efforts succeeded. Hank Johnson may no longer be in congress, but for as long as Guam shall live, its people the Gumaites, will remember him as their savior. Unless it sinks anyway. Glug. Glug. Glug.

Barry. Poor Barry. No he's not a Senator anymore, though he hardly ever was one to begin with. And without a Democratic Congress, the big chair won't be almost as fun. Sure he'll still be able to golf. Fly to exotic places on the taxpayer dime. And have crowds of adoring liberals follow him around, and fight for the privilege of buying him some arugula, but still... it ain't the same without the power.

And that can be said for all of our biography subjects. They did a heck of a job, didn't they?

Now let's look forward to the day when they finally have the time and leisure to write their biographies.


Keli Ata said...

May Obama get out in two more years and hope he and Michelle don't become carpetbaggers ala Bill and Hillary Clinton!

Why the chose NY I'll never know.

Great article here.

Shavua tov

Marc said...

Now that's a reason for term limits.

Ashan said...

Brilliant! And hilarious.

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