(The following is a speech that Obama might have given, if he were willing to actually be honest with America's schoolchildren.)
This is me. Barack Obama. You might know me from a lot of magazine covers. Also I helped Spider-Man fight crime and I keep interrupting American Idol to give speeches that no one listens to anymore. Well just try turning me off now. That's right, you can't. Because you're in school, which means you have to listen to me.
Looking around at all these classrooms through my array of surveillance cameras, I notice that most of you came to school, and the ones who didn't will be getting visits from the Department of Child Services. Which is good. School is very important. Without school, you can't get a good job. Not unless you lie a lot and happen to lose all your transcripts, like me.
And guess what kids, you're going to need good jobs, because out here in D.C. we're spending money like crazy. I mean just yesterday I gave some factory in Jamaica a billion dollars to make environmentally efficient rum. How do you make rum environmentally efficient? No one knows. That's just the way we roll here in D-Town. Next week I'll probably give them another billion to stop making it because it turned out to be bad for the environment. But all that money has to come from somewhere, and you're the only natural resource we still have left. Children.
Right now the national debt is just short of 12 trillion dollars. Yeah I know. 12 trillion, that is a whole lot of money, isn't it? And all I did was buy controlling shares in a whole bunch of banks, auto companies and pay for a staff of cosmeticians to try and make Michelle not look like she wants to murder everyone in sight. It's a tough job, but somebody's gotta get paid to do it. And somebody's gotta pay for it, and that somebody is you, underage taxpayer.
Because your share of that 12 trillion dollars, is 40,000 dollars. But don't get too hung up on the numbers, because at the rate we're printing money, the actual numbers won't mean anything for much longer. But the government's still gonna need that money from you real soon, because we plan to run up the deficit by another few trillion every year until there's so many zeroes no one can count them. So my goal here today is to encourage you to get jobs. Like right now.
I know some of you are just in kindergarten. Others of you can stand high enough to walk under the table. Still others can operate heavy machinery. But it's time for you to think about future. That national debt isn't getting any smaller, and you need to be making down payments on it. Because Air Force One needs fuel, I need arugula and union jobs won't save themselves. So it's time for you to think about heading out into the workforce.
I promised Americans that I would create millions of jobs, but what with all the high taxes, tons of regulations and that little economic panic my buddy George S. and the fine folks over at CBS, ABC and Time Magazine helped to create-- that's proving to be a little tough. But while I can't create millions of adult jobs, I can still outsource the child labor of America. Why should the Chinese and the Malaysians be the only ones to rake in the dough from child labor? Anything they can do, Chicago can do better.
There will be great jobs waiting for the rest of you though. Green jobs. Can you say, Green Jobs, kids? Now some of you are probably wondering what green jobs are. The answer is Green Jobs are jobs that are good for the environment. As opposed to bad Gray Jobs that let people actually earn a living. And boy we have got a lot of green jobs waiting for you.
Ever wanted to work in a rice paddy or stop carbon pollution by preventing people from breathing? Or how about reclaiming trash from landfills for recycling? We need people to do all that and more. Also we need people to make t-shirts warning us all that the earth is about to explode. And we need someone to shave the Polar Bears so they don't get too hot when the North Pole melts. Of course someone has to carry all the equipment into the jets for the bands touring the world for Earth Day concerts. And most importantly, we need Eco CEO's who will create completely useless companies, whose uselessness will prevent them from polluting the planet. The perks are a seven figure salary and a chance to get their picture taken with me. The requirement is sending a whole lot of money to my reelection campaign. Now if that doesn't turn you green with envy, what will?
But there's more to the wonderful HOPEANDCHANGEAMERICA(TM) of tomorrow than just shaving polar bears, trading carbon pollution indulgences and giving me all your money. No we're a growing nation and amazing things are just around the corner.
For example, do your parents have a car? Their parents probably bought them their first car when they were only teenagers. But don't worry, you won't have to deal with any of that. Because by the time I get done taxing and standardizing the auto industry, the only people who will be able to afford cars will be politicians and the people who drive them places. The good news is the cars of tomorrow will get an infinite amount of miles to the gallon. The bad news is that's because no one will actually be able to drive them anywhere, once our wonderful union run carmakers begin complying with the "ZERO MILES PER HOUR" eco-standard.
And it just gets better from here. Right now you probably live in your own home. Well that's not environmentally sustainable. In the future people will live in communal apartments with multi-generational families sharing a single room for added comfort and warmth during the long, cold and fuel-less winters.
In the future, flat TV screens will be flatter, the internet will be accessible for up to six hours a day, and all your food will come in the form of a government manufactured and approved pill that will put an end to obesity and reintroduce Rickets to the American child of the 21st century.
Today we worship in a variety of churches and synagogues belonging to different faiths and religions. In the future we will embrace together one all-encompassing faith, the United Church of Me, in commemoration of the man who taught Americans to stop being so selfish and greedy, and share their wealth with the less fortunate occupants of Capitol Hill and their lobbyists. Me.
Right now you're probably all wondering, who is this guy and why is he being so serious? Don't worry about it, you'll be serious too when you begin paying out 90 percent of your salary in taxes while trying to steer a camel down a sand track made of sand dunes, while a bunch of drunken nomads are shooting at you.
But I would like you to remember the inspirational words of my chauffeur, "Ask not how Barack Obama can serve you, ask how you can serve Barack Obama." Someday if you study hard, commit yourself to learning and graduate from elementary school... you could be in his place.
The Chinese are calling about their money. Gotta go. Bye.