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Sunday, February 11, 2007

Muslims Announce 5 New Holy Sites

As is rather well known, Muslims have the funny habit of appropriating other people's holy sites or just property and announcing that they're now a Muslim holy site. This is particularly helped, when Mohammed FBUH (Fleas Be Upon Him) had visited there, or someone had claimed he visited there or someone could make up a wacky story about him being taken there by an angel on a flying horse. (Seriously, if you've got an angel already, why do you also need the flying horse? It seems redundant.)

In any case Muslims have now announced the 5 new holy sites they will be naming. As per usual these sites will now become off limits to non-Muslims and Muslims will be entitled to fight a Jihad to recover them back into Muslim hands.



The White House

Mohammed HTFBUH (High Tax Fees Be Upon Him) reportedly visited the White House as a guest of President Millard Fillmore, slept in the Lincoln Bedroom (which was then called, the 'Give Me A Bribe and You Can Spend the Night Bedroom) and tried to molest some of the President's carriage horses.

As such the highest authorities in Islam (three blind clerics who live in Cairo and still think it's 1922 and want an end to British colonial rule) have announced that the White House from now is to be off-limits to non-Muslims unless they're there to serve incoming President, Barack Hussein Obama.



Walt Disney World

Muslims devoutly believe that an angel took Mohammed on a midnight ride on a flying horse through time all the way to Walt Disney World where Mohammed PBUH (Peas Be Upon Him) rode Mr. Toad's wild ride, shrieked in horror at all the costumed characters and had too much pizza and threw up on the teacup ride. The Koran does not state why the angel did this, but it is believed that Mohammed had a good time.

As such the Ummah (acronym for Uncivilized Mass of Muslim Antisemitic Haters) now claim Walt Disney World as the sole property of the Muslim nation where it will be used to train Jihadi warriors for possible future battles against giant rodents, talking dogs and enemies who attack from space.

In other words, every day at Disney World, will now be gay day.



McDonalds

McDonalds, all McDonalds everywhere belong to Muslims, as Mohammed is now believed to have also set foot in a McDonalds, while he was visiting Walt Disney World. Mohammed mistakenly ordered a hamburger, ate it all, demanded another and menaced the cashier with his sword. He was escorted out by security still threatening to smite the red shirted infidels.

From now on all McDonalds outlets anywhere are now to be under Muslim management and will boast the new McSheep Burger and the Suicide Bombed Fries, especially prepared by the patented Muslim method of having the fry cook blow himself up admist the fries.



Your House

Mohammed is once believed to have visited your house. As such it is now a Muslim holy site. You are please asked to vacate your house immediately, unless you wish to convert to Islam, in which case you will be allowed to remain as a lowly servant. Please do not protest. The devout wishes of a billion Muslims and their sacred religious feelings on the subject clearly outweigh your deed to your property and any legal rights you may have. Should you refuse, you will be murdered. In your sleep.

From now on the devout followers of Mohammed LBUH (Lease Be Upon Him) will take it upon themselves to eat all your rosebushes and bathe in your toilet. They will also pray eleven times a day for heavenly (moonly) assistance in killing you and reclaiming what was once imaginarily theirs.



Hell

It has come to the attention of the followers of the prophet that Mohammed once visited Hell and remained to reside there permanently. As such Hell is now the holiest Muslim site there is. Shortly all the remaining Muslims will be making pilgrimages there to be with their prophet.

All non-Muslims are asked to stay away from Hell, as this is now exclusively Muslim property, reserved for Muslims only.

We hope they will be very happy there.

39 comments:

Lemon Lime Moon said...

Now you've gone and done it.
There will be a day of rage now.

Sultan Knish said...

there's no day of rage... it's 1200 years of rage and counting

no wonder they have such high blood pressure

Lemon Lime Moon said...

Ok you win again.

Sultan Knish said...

what do I win?

Lemon Lime Moon said...

You win Lemon annoying you for one solid year!!! Ha!

Sultan Knish said...

can I make it more?

Lemon Lime Moon said...

Yes your punishment can go on indefinitely if you push!!!

Sultan Knish said...

then I'll have to push even harder

Lemon Lime Moon said...

I might fall off my dock!!
No worries though, Lemon is a good swimmer.

Sultan Knish said...

you won't fall off the dock, but I can't vouch for the duck

Lemon Lime Moon said...

I will just have to become as annoying as possible I can see that now!

Good post anyway.

Sultan Knish said...

I bet you three and a half ducks, you can't be that annoying

Lemon Lime Moon said...

I see your 3 1/2 ducks and raise you a partridge in a pear tree.

Sultan Knish said...

that would work if the partridge hadn't eaten all the pears and then I accidentally served the partridge at our Knights of the Free Amazon Butterscotch dinner

Lemon Lime Moon said...

I suspect you already did serve it and quite nicely too...if last year's annual dinner was any clue.
Yes, the partridge was done to a fare thee well. (provides opening here for further turns of phrase)

Sultan Knish said...

I served it and that was the worst decade of my life

servitude to a partridge is no fun, they're always full of insane demands and remands

Lemon Lime Moon said...

yes, but, the medical benefits are not that bad you must admit.
We have to stop meeting like this you know.

Sultan Knish said...

yes we do, every time the train leaves it spews soot all over the platform

a luxury liner perhaps, next time?

Lemon Lime Moon said...

At the very least!!
I was getting tired of the Orient Express... too many mysteries onboard each time.

Sultan Knish said...

yes, it's nice to be able to spend time in your cabin without stumbling over corpses and lost necklaces and mummies each time

Lemon Lime Moon said...

Oh, bring that night up will you?
I thought we promised not to relive that adventure til next year?
We did solve the crime though.

Sultan Knish said...

yes we did but being paid in a white elephant made for a rather difficult check to cash

I think he's still out there somewhere, trumpeting whitely in the night

Lemon Lime Moon said...

Yes, I am sure he is, but it was your idea to let him go. I could have used the money!
Well good post yet again. And now a running conversation to boot! or to sandal.

Sultan Knish said...

a white elephant of a scandal, but he's happier the way he is, racing through backyards, stomping the neighbor's doghouses flat and waking people every hour with his trumpeting

much less trouble than that ostritch we picked in nepal, isn't it

Lemon Lime Moon said...

A bit, yes. But I was quite fond of that Ostrich and his plummage.
You know, I made 8 lovely hats with his plumes.
Sigh, Nepal was nice except there were too many foreigners there who didnt speak English.
You can't go anywhere anymore without running into these doggone foreigners.

Sultan Knish said...

yes the whole durned nation was foreign there and the monkeys stole all the silverware

but we did catch the Mysterious Masked Nepalese Sapphire Bandit

that was worth some of it

Der Shygetz said...

You forgot Home Depot. Mohammed SBUH (Screwup Be Upon Him) visited Home Depot in Schmendricksburg, Iowa, in the hope he would find the screws he was missing since birth.

Udiyah said...

"Muslims Announce 5 New Holy Sites"

You forgot Europe and Spain. Inshallah

Keliata said...

And let's not forget Hollywood.

Cosmic X said...

Good thing you blog anonymously! :)

marallyn ben moshe said...

oy i am so tired of palestine pity...pees on you my friends...great post...you really think they'll take over hell??? it's hot...it's terrible...has an awful master...wait wait...they think they're at home...smart sultan...smart!!!

Keliata said...

And they've already got a foothold at McDonalds. A couple of the franchises in heavily arab Michigan serve chicken McNuggets perpared according to islamic dietary laws.

Lemon Lime Moon said...

Interesting how Michigan, with its heavy nordic population kowtows to Mohammed's worshippers just like their counterparts in Norway and Sweden.

Friar Yid said...

Interesting how Michigan, with its heavy nordic population kowtows to Mohammed's worshippers just like their counterparts in Norway and Sweden.

What's the alternative? Go a-viking and kick them out?

Yobeeone said...

I swear by my cats fleas - I will fight for Disney World!!!!!

As for hell - they can have it. And waiting for them there are free bags of pork rinds - ready for the toasting! :]

Keliata said...

I'm inclined to follow what happens in Michigan seeing that they cater to muslims. It might be a prediction of what other states can anticipate.

Lemon Lime Moon said...

Viking is a good way of life for those who try it.
Going Berserk can be effective in times of need.

Louis DePalma said...

There is a reason the Romans never made an inroad in Ireland.
The Celts scared the teeny weeny men of Italy.
It would be good to make Muslims fear too.

Itzhak Schier said...

Actually, the halal McNuggets are all about profits. No different from the kasher lemehadrin Subway franchise on Ave J in Flatbush. And why not give the Mohammed freaks the possibility of ingesting all of the harmful chemicals and fats in (what I assume are) deep fried McNuggets!

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