Exclusive from the Jerusalem Post: President Katzav Eats Babies
by Dan Izenberg and Kadima Staffer No. 3
Just as the latest round of accusations against Katzav were being investigated and judged in the press, now comes a new round of accusations that President Katzav has been eating babies. Three unnamed people who reportedly worked with Katzav have come forward to say that they frequently saw the President walking around chewing sandwiches filled with parts of babies.
"It was awful," Woman No. 7 said. "He would go around every day at lunch chewing on babies and no one said absolutely nothing."
Immediately reporters were generously driven in government limousines to promptly file new stories on Katzav's baby eating habits.
"Don't pay any attention to that war I lost or all the dead soldiers or the fact that I left behind soldiers in enemy hands," Prime Minister Ehud Olmert said. "Forget the disaster that was Disengagement, the criminal investigations and that commission I tried to appoint filled with my pals, PRESIDENT KATZAV EATS BABIES."
Some right wing extremist conspirators who will probably soon be jailed expressed the belief that the entire Katzav affair is a charade meant to leverage Kadima's political power by destroying the President and distracting attention from Olmert's disastrous reign. However a government spokesman promptly whispered to the media that they had strong evidence President Katzav was really Jack the Ripper.
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