5:31 London - This is the BBC
Nigel: Hello my name is Nigel Aintwhyte and in a moment we'll be going live to our correspondent in Lebanon where the full brutal might of the Israeli warmachine has been unleashed on an innocent and unarmed handful of women and children and the few brave Hizbullah fighters courageously defending them against this unprovoked aggression. Stay with us as unlike the American networks we provide you with accurate and unbiased coverage.
And now our correspondent, Angela Wentworth.
Angela: This is Angela Wentworth reporting to you from Lebanon where a handful of courageous fighters armed only with their courageous courage, small rocks, RPG's and batteries of advanced Chinese missiles are resisting the Israeli occupation of their country. Here is one of them Hamoud Al-Ghazi. Hamoud how is the fighting going so far?
Hamoud: Fighting going great. We down six Israeli planes today. Five yesterday. Many more tomorrow.
Angela: This is amazing news! A truly amazing victory for one of the most intrepid resistance forces on earth. Where are these airplanes so we can get a shot of them for our viewers?
Hamoud: Somewhere, somewhere around here. I not keep track of planes. I have important work to do shooting them down. Ask Mahmoud where the planes are.
Mahmoud shakes head.
Hamoud: Never mind. Zionists probably stole the planes back when we weren't looking. We shoot down more planes today and you see them. Victory for Hizbullah. Nasarallah!!! Allah Akbar. Jihad!! Jihad!!!
Israeli plane passes overhead and Hamood and Mahmoud and the others immediately dive down. Bombs fall and they cower on the ground until the plane passes. They rise from among the rubble.
Angela: Why didn't you shoot down that plane?
Hamood: No, no. We don't shoot down that plane.
Angela: Why not?
Hamood: No, no. Only one plane. We wait till many planes come and shoot them all down so we not waste ammunition on one plane.
Angela: Oh that makes sense.
Hamood: Nasrallah!!! Saladin!! Jihad!!! Allah Achbar!!! Great victory!! You see!! Great victory for Assad and surviving Lebanese people.
Angela: What about the rebuilding after the war.
Hamood: Not rebuilding stupid infidel woman, rearming.
Angela: I meant rebuilding Beirut and the rest of Lebanon after the bombing.
Hamood: Who give a damn about Lebanon?
Hamood: I mean, yes, yes. We true friends of the Lebanese people. That is we Lebanese people. True Lebanese people. We rebuild Lebanon you see. Better than before.
Angela: Do you think you'll need help from the international community to do it?
Hamood: International community infidels, haram. Pigs and monkeys. We rebuild Lebanon out of downed Israeli planes.
Angela: My goodness. Do you really think that will work?
Hamood: Yes, me and Mahmood here we do it ourselves. Down millions of Israeli planes and build new city out of them. Good planes. Good steel. Victory!! Nasrallah we die for you!!! Jihad!!!
A new flight of Israeli IAF planes pass by and Hamood shrieks and dives back into the rubble headfirst and hides there until they pass. He emerges looking a little uncomfortable.
Hamood: I was going to shoot those down too but they too small. I wait for bigger planes.
Angela: Those were bombers.
Hamood: I wait for big bombers. Shut up!! Shut up or I behead you on television just like my wife!
Angela: Anyway I'm sure our viewers in London and perhaps in the American states whose Christian neo-conservative Zionist regime is approving this genocide of the friendly Lebanese people would like to know your thoughts on it.
Hamood: We shoot down all Zionist planes! Shoot down all American planes! Victory through Jihad! Nasarallah leads us to victory! Sons of Saladin, lions of Arabia! We make new Holocaust for Jews like one that never happened.
Angela: I know the British people are greatly gratified by your hopes for peace and your courageous plans to resist the Israeli occupation and rebuild your lives despite the trauma of this past week.
Hamood: We kill British too. London belong to Allah. We turn Canterbury into mosque. Turn Parliament into mosque too! Hang Queen, turn Buckingham Palace into mosque! Make many, many mosques.
Angela: Of course we at the BBC have always been the strongest supporters of a multi-cultural society and have long supported hanging the Queen and turning Buckingham Palace into a mosque.
Hamood: Hang you too, unless you become my wife. Or temporary wife. I know good Imam in Iran who marry us for three minutes. All I need.
More Israeli planes pass overhead and Hamood dives back into the rubble as the bombs begin to fall.
Hamood: Allah save me. I am your servant. I never drink beer again. Not one drop. Only save me! Save me!
The planes depart and Hamood climbs out of his hole again.
Hamood: Run you Zionist cowards! We hunt you down! We march to Jerusalem! We burn your women! Jihad!! Jihad!! Nasrallah we die for you!! Just not this minute!!!
Angela: So is there...
Hamood: Did you see how I shot down that plane?
Hamood: I shot down plane while you weren't looking. Stupid infidel cow! Your camera point wrong way. You missed great Hezbollah victory.
Angela: Terribly sorry. Perhaps you could do it again?
Hamood: No! You probably Zionist spy anyway.
Angela: I assure you the completely unbiased and objective BBC is one hundred percent on your side.
Hamood: One hundred percent not good enough! Where the rest! We are the warriors of Islam! Allah Achbar! Jihad!!! Victory!!! Nasrallah will destroy Zionist infidel pigs just like our brothers in Afghanistan and Iraq and Gaza!!! Victory!!! VICTORY!!