(CNN) Celebrity News Network - Now with More Holograms! - August 13, 2038
He Taught us to Laugh, He Made Us Believe, and then He Took All Our Money
He was the first black President of the United States, and he also became its last President when in 2019, after his term in office had been extended indefinitely by HR:0666 or "The Hope and Faith in Obama's Everlasting Presidency Act" (Holo-Link), he was forced to leave office because the government had run out of money to pay for itself.
Though he lived a very public life, few could agree on even the basic facts of his life, such as where he was born, who his father was, or what his real name was, or even what race and gender he was. For a man who spent most of his life before the camera, his death leaves us with few answers about who Barack Obama (Holo-Link) really was. Obama himself did not help matters by using multiple names, multiple birthplaces and even passports.
The bestselling Presidential biographies of Obama, from Edmund Morris' "America's Greatest Con-Man" to Michael Beschloss' "Obama: Citizen of the World" cover the range of opinions on Obama's presidency. And long after the fall of the United States, there is still no real consensus by former Americans on who Obama really was.
Yet to many Barack Obama represents a nostalgic time in history, the last years when such diverse nations as the Confederate States of California (Holo-Link), the Republic of New Hampshire, the People's Republic of Minnesota, the Empire of Texas, El Reino de Aztlan and the Arch-Duchy of Upper New York were all part of one single nation that stretched from coast to coast.
Born in a hospital in Kenya or Hawaii, Barack would learn to use multiple names and identities from an early age. Traveling from country to country, the young Obama or Soetoro, would quickly become adept at blending in from one milieu to another. This skill would be crucial in his political career, allowing Obama to instantly invent new biographies and win the trust of his audience. If there is one thing his biographers agree on, it's that he had a genuine gift for sensing what his audience wanted to hear. Unfortunately like most con artists, he lacked the same ability for long term financial planning, that he did for short term schemes to extract money from an increasingly gullible American public.
There is no denying that Obama cheerfully used fraud and strong arm tactics throughout his political career, but the chief weapon in his arsenal was flattery. Many of his supporters remember the special feeling of being made to feel that he was their friend. As one former aide wrote, "He taught us to laugh, he made us believe, and then he took all our money".
This conflicted legacy helps explain Barack Obama's popularity, even after his corruption and abuses of power destroyed the United States government, ending the era of the United States for good-- he was ranked 4th on the prestigious Dow Jones' "Most Likable Celebrities in North America in 2019" index (Holo-Link).
It helped that Obama left the White House voluntarily after learning that there would be no more money left for his trips abroad, and that due to the failure of the Federal Reserve and the secession of 23 states from the Union, no national budget would be possible. He did of course leave with everything of value in the White House that his family and associates could grab or pry out of the walls, but by then most Americans were too busy dealing with the problems of the Great Partition to notice. Even the farewell party that burned down most of the White House seemed a small thing in the wake of the Detroit Food Riots or the discovery of the Red River Gulag (Holo-Link).
Still his popularity afterward enabled Obama to begin several successful careers in the entertainment industry, including a long-running stint on the soap opera General Hospital, his own line of shammy infomercials and a music career with such nostalgia singles as, "Where's Da Money", "Where All Da Money Go" and "What Happen to All Da Money?"
Even today viewers watching old fashioned television can still catch commercials of Obama in his older years, holding up a shammy cloth, dipping it in a spilled pool of olive oil and telling the audience to have faith that the mess would be gone. Even his famous tagline, "At a price that won't bankrupt you, unlike me" was meant to be a good humored reference to his controversial two and a half terms in office.
America's Leaders Send Their Condolences
From the Confederate States of California's Prime Minister Perez Hilton (Holo-Link), to King Lamar Alexander II of the Constitutional Monarchy of Tennessee, and all across the nation, America's leaders sent their condolences on the death of the last President of the United States.
Even the combatants in New York's Twenty Year Civil War interrupted their fighting, as New York City President Al Sharpton and Arch-Duke Molinaro sent their condolences.
In Arizona, Obama's former political rival, the 102 year former Senator, John McCain, sent his own condolences. Once considered too old compared to Barack Obama, McCain noted ironically that he had in fact outlived him, while also passing along the wishes of his now 126 year old mother. As well as his daughter Meghan McCain, off in space as the First Woman on Mars (Holo-Link).
From the United States of Alaska, to the Democratic People's Republic of Minnesota, from the bloody trench warfare of Westchester County to the farthest South American outposts of the Empire of Texas, the messages of sympathy came in tribute on the passing of the man who had made their existence possible.
All across the land formerly known as America, millions are choosing to remember Obama in their own way. From the vigils held in front of the Apollo Theater, where the musical, "Barack Superstar" has been running for almost three decades straight, even under artillery fire from Englewood during the Tri-State War, to the ceremonial million dollar burnings in the Republic of New Hampshire, where crowds burn the infamous "million dollar bills" with Obama's portrait on them that were issued during the 2017 devaluation which made ten thousand dollars equivalent to a single Euro, no one can ignore the death of America's last President. CFN, the Celebrity Funeral Network, is reported to have won the bidding rights to the Obama funeral, and plans are underway to hold a three day funeral, to be broadcast from the spot where Chicago once stood. And corporate sponsors have already lined up to cover ad buys for the flowers, vehicles for the funeral train and logos for the coffin itself.
After the ceremonies, the speakers, the guest musical performers and the services by an Imam, African Liberationist Minister and Reform Rabbi, Obama's funeral plane is expected to fly low over every major American city still standing, inciting riots, mass panic and all the chaos and destruction necessary for a proper sendoff to the man who destroyed America.
A Complicated Legacy
Like the best of con artists, Obama had a way of reflecting people's expectations back at them. Despite living one of the most public lives of his generation, through millions of interviews, his own talk show and even a sex tape, no one could really claim to know him.
Survived only by one racist white granddaughter, Ariana Michaela Stover, a member of the New Klu Klux Klan, his real legacy remains the political and economic chaos he so cheerfully spawned. To his contemporaries, Obama became a symbol of hubris, a byword for the arrogance of a generation that valued style over substance, and allowed radical politics to outshout basic common sense. To a generation that has grown up after the fall of the United States, Obama is part of a baffling archeology of symbols and figures that have no value except for entertainment purposes. (Holo-Link)
In the end it may be that there was no real Obama, only a man who served as a metaphor for a culture that had lost touch with its roots and its own identity, that embraced change for the sake of novelty and had become incapable of paying attention to anything that was not sufficiently entertaining enough. Obama was a symptom of America's collapse, rather than its cause.
This has been another fine holo-cast from CNN Celebrity Network News. Stay with us for more coverage of celebrities. Their lives, their deaths, their weddings and their funerals. And remember our 1000th viewer today wins a special prize. So stay with us. Because you don't want to miss a thing.