(Sultan Knish was not available to write a blog post today. In his place we present this insightful piece from guest columnist Meghan McCain)
How I Can Save the Republican Party
So today I was like in the bathroom, brushing my teeth and thinking about what's going to be in my memoir (which by the way I just sold to Hyperion for 600 thousand. Nice, right?) and I had a great idea how to save the Republican Party. What was that? No I'm busy right now.
Hold on a second I have to get the phone... yeah what? No I'm ordering in. Is this thing still typing? No don't type that. How do I shut this off? Okay back to the issues. You can't graduate from the Fashion Institute of Technology and not learn a thing or two about politics. Also I spent a lot of time with my dad, who's big in politics and stuff. He has his own office in Washington D.C. and ran for President a few times. So I'm completely up on this stuff, you don't have to worry.
Lately I've been working on helping the Republican party (which I totally love) back on track with my columns, and my blogging and twitter. And also going on CNN and morning shows to denounce everyone in the party who sucks. Which is basically everyone except my dad. The Republican party is stuck. It has a dumb name and no one likes us. Which sucks because we could totally rock if they gave us the chance. But we need to make some major changes around here.
First thing we gotta dump all this family values stuff. No one likes that except old people. And who needs their votes anyway? If the party's gonna connect to people under 25, we've gotta be the party party. (Memo, what if we just call ourselves "The Party" with no name. Like "Le Bag" or "The Club". I should totally twitter that.) Also we have to stop being against illegal immigration. I mean where are we going to get the help from? There's some things you can't pay American citizens 3 dollars an hour to do. Like put citrus peels wrapped in cabbage leaves between your toes.
And intolerance. I have lots of gay friends and I hate that we've become the intolerant party. What's the big deal about recognizing gay marriage anyway? It's like reporters who keep spelling my name Megan McCain, instead of Meghan McCain. Hello, there's an H in there. Are you people blind or something? Why can't you recognize that it's Meghan. It's the H that makes me special.
And we gotta do something about the economy. It's not like I'm strapped for money or anything. (600,000 dollar advance from Hyperion, Hello!) but once I went to buy some lipstick and I left my American Express at home and that moment I knew how poor people felt. Some of them don't even have American Express cards!!! ):
I have lots of great ideas like that, but the Republican party is old and won't listen to me. That's why I have to go out there and tell off all those stupid radio talk show people (Hello, who even listens to the radio anymore? If Rush Limbaugh wanted to matter, he should be on Twitter like me. 25,000 followers and counting! :D) and Karl Rove and the Christians.
The only way the Republican party is ever going to matter to bored rich twenty somethings like me, is if we stop being old and start being cool. Forget Joe the Plumber, we need Will Smith. Lincoln, take a hike. Hello, no one uses pennies anymore. Or five dollar bills. Except maybe in North Phoenix.
Anyway I gotta go write my memoirs now. I've got a whole two chapters in them about not being able to find a date, and I'm working on a third one now telling off people who think I'm fat. Sure you might not think that's important, but I do. And like that black guy who has his own holiday, I have a dream.
I have a dream that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be our candidate in 2012. The candidate of "The Party." And he's not even going to have a platform. We'll just have magazine covers with his face on it on every poster that will say "Arnold 2012". Nothing else. Because you don't need policies or issues anymore to be President, just a cool image. And action figures. Stop thinking and start talking a lot about yourself. It's not about America anymore, it's about You. And mainly me. It's about being exciting and cutting edge. Everyone wants to be a celebrity (not me, because I already am :) and if we harness that power, we can win. I just know it.
But first we're going to have to get rid of everyone who isn't with it. I'm working on that right now.
Off to do CNN.
Megan McCain is a columnist for the Daily Beast, whose insightful columns continue to educate dozens of Americans about the dangers of hair extensions and Republican extremism, and will shortly be talking to a very drunken Jack Cafferty shortly about how much trouble she's having finding a date for her book release party.