(Due to the Sultan's absence today, we instead present this guest editorial by Barack Hussein Obama)
My Fellow Americans,
I know I don't look like a lot of the Presidents you're used to seeing on the dollar bill, or anywhere else. I don't have a beard or a stovepipe hat or wear a wig. Also I'm not an American, have virtually no experience in public office and my only accomplishment in the Illinois State Senate was to get my wife a huge whopping pay raise.
But I would like to ask you to look beyond all that and instead of looking at my record, listen instead to my deeply meaningful rhetoric. I may never have won an honest election or done anything for anyone in public office, but I do have something to offer you, my pledge.
I pledge to you that if I am elected President, I will lower or raise the oceans (whichever you're more comfortable with), eliminate poverty (unless you like poverty), create alternative sources of energy and teach everyone in the world to sing.
While you're probably used to hearing pledges from many politicians running for office, you can believe that I will keep my pledges, because my pledges cover every side of every issue, so if I do anything at all in office (unlike my time in the Illinois and US Senate thanks to a busy schedule of playing with my cell phone under the table, accepting contributions from crooked developers and then running for President) I'm almost certain to keep at least some of my pledges to you.
First of all I pledge to you my undying support for a United Jerusalem and a Divided Jerusalem.
I pledge to you that I will support campaign finance reforms, while refusing to abide by them.
I pledge to you that I will maybe possibly withdraw troops from Iraq immediately, unless I change my mind or it rains.
I pledge that I will not support wiretapping your homes and businesses and I pledge that I will support wiretapping your homes and businesses.
I pledge that I will not rent out the Lincoln Bedroom. I will however sell it to the Saudis for 40 percent off.
I pledge that I will support\oppose - gay marriage\late term abortion while lying my ass off\pretending to ignore the issue.
I pledge that I will not be having sex with any female White House interns in the Oval Office. That's what future Secretary of State Larry Sinclair is for.
I pledge that I will continue to take your concerns very seriously and will maintain an open line of communication with those of my supporters who have contributed the appropriate amount of support to my campaign and my Nairobi bank account.
Finally I pledge to write many more books and continue boring you at great length in every speech I make, by mentioning that I'm the son of a Housewife from Kenya and a Compulsive Womanizer from Sweden, or is that the other way around? I can never remember!
I know some of you right now are wearing your skeptical faces while dismissing everything I have said as "Just words". Well they're not just words, damn it! They're the words I'm using to get elected President so I can carve a giant statue of myself 800 feet high that will be lit up every evening and all day for Federal holidays.
With humble faith in myself
Barack Hussein Obama