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Saturday, August 02, 2008

The Pledges of Obama

(Due to the Sultan's absence today, we instead present this guest editorial by Barack Hussein Obama)



My Fellow Americans,



I know I don't look like a lot of the Presidents you're used to seeing on the dollar bill, or anywhere else. I don't have a beard or a stovepipe hat or wear a wig. Also I'm not an American, have virtually no experience in public office and my only accomplishment in the Illinois State Senate was to get my wife a huge whopping pay raise.



But I would like to ask you to look beyond all that and instead of looking at my record, listen instead to my deeply meaningful rhetoric. I may never have won an honest election or done anything for anyone in public office, but I do have something to offer you, my pledge.



I pledge to you that if I am elected President, I will lower or raise the oceans (whichever you're more comfortable with), eliminate poverty (unless you like poverty), create alternative sources of energy and teach everyone in the world to sing.



While you're probably used to hearing pledges from many politicians running for office, you can believe that I will keep my pledges, because my pledges cover every side of every issue, so if I do anything at all in office (unlike my time in the Illinois and US Senate thanks to a busy schedule of playing with my cell phone under the table, accepting contributions from crooked developers and then running for President) I'm almost certain to keep at least some of my pledges to you.



First of all I pledge to you my undying support for a United Jerusalem and a Divided Jerusalem.



I pledge to you that I will support campaign finance reforms, while refusing to abide by them.



I pledge to you that I will maybe possibly withdraw troops from Iraq immediately, unless I change my mind or it rains.



I pledge that I will not support wiretapping your homes and businesses and I pledge that I will support wiretapping your homes and businesses.



I pledge that I will not rent out the Lincoln Bedroom. I will however sell it to the Saudis for 40 percent off.



I pledge that I will support\oppose - gay marriage\late term abortion while lying my ass off\pretending to ignore the issue.



I pledge that I will not be having sex with any female White House interns in the Oval Office. That's what future Secretary of State Larry Sinclair is for.



I pledge that I will continue to take your concerns very seriously and will maintain an open line of communication with those of my supporters who have contributed the appropriate amount of support to my campaign and my Nairobi bank account.



Finally I pledge to write many more books and continue boring you at great length in every speech I make, by mentioning that I'm the son of a Housewife from Kenya and a Compulsive Womanizer from Sweden, or is that the other way around? I can never remember!



I know some of you right now are wearing your skeptical faces while dismissing everything I have said as "Just words". Well they're not just words, damn it! They're the words I'm using to get elected President so I can carve a giant statue of myself 800 feet high that will be lit up every evening and all day for Federal holidays.



With humble faith in myself



Barack Hussein Obama

8 comments:

Lemon said...

Now MrChange with the Wind will support off shore.. since it might get him more votes.
After election he won't since he is two faced as well.
He seems to say whatever the audience wishes to hear.

Yobeeone said...

ROFL!!!! Another winner!

Márcia said...

With all due respect, Your Highness, your pledges may need just a bit refining...

Keli Ata said...

ROFL! One of your best satires for sure!

Deep meaningful rhetoric! Love that :)

Finally it seems the McCain camp has picked up on Mr. Whicheverwaythewindblows Obama's Messiah/Prophet/G-d complex. Why he's all three in one...just like you know who.

Have you seen McCain's Moses The One Ad on You Tube?

Keli Ata said...

Hey, I just hatched a great business idea for us that should make us a small fortune.

What say we design (okay you design) weather vanes for all government buildings once Obama gets in. Of course he getting in, he said so and his wifey is already talking about the transition her kids will have to make.

Where was I? Weather vanes. You'll design and I'll market weathervanes for all government buildings. Only ours won't be in the shape of a cockerel--it'll be shaped like Barack wearing those Bermuda shorts I talked about.

We can even sell commemorative weathvanes (called weatherVAINS, in appreciation of Barack's arrogance) to the public.

Why Bermuda shorts? It's the official business attire of Bermuda, home of the Bermuda Triangle that Barack will lead us into.

Barack will have all his White House staff wear Bermuda shorts (except when Muslims visit--Bermuda shorts are illegal in Iraq.)

It's true. This from the official Bermuda website:


"Although they are not in any way suggestive, just smart by Western standards, some cultures do not accept them. For example, they are illegal in Iraq.

"The contingent from Bermuda always wear Bermuda shorts as their national dress at opening and closing ceremonies of the summer Olympic Games. At Risk and Insurance Management Society (RIMS) conferences abroad, Bermuda delegates always wear official Bermuda Shorts ensembles."

Sorry Sultan. I'm in a chatty mood today.

Keli Ata said...

My fellow Americans?

Barack has already gotten bored with imitating JFK. Now he's moved on to FDR with his My Fellow Americans. Is he going to give fireside chats or go directly to Nixon with his V-for Victory and V for Peace "I am not a crook" stage?

Sultan Knish said...

good idea, but he'll have to rename them to Hope Shorts or Change Shorts to fit his campaign theme

Itzhak Schier said...

BS"D

Womanizer? Wasn't Obama's father an out and out bigamist at the time of his birth?

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