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Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Exclusive Leaked Script from "Let My Terrorists Go!", George Clooney's upcoming 'Hamdan' movie



"LET MY TERRORISTS GO"

Directed By GEORGE CLOONEY

Written by GEORGE CLOONEY

Starring GEORGE CLOONEY as SALIM HAMDAN, BARACK OBAMA, OSAMA BIN LADEN and THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT and HIMSELF


OPENING TITLE 2001 - We open on a daylit plain just outside of KANDAHAR. SALIM HAMDAN is at the wheel of a fuel efficient VOLVO EQUATOR HYBRID SXL, he is a tall handsome man with rugged chiseled features as at home on a GQ shoot as he killing BLACKWATER mercenaries in Iraq.

The CAMERA pulls back to show us OSAMA BIN LADEN in the back seat. OSAMA BIN LADEN has the natural good looks of a SOAP STAR and wears a NEATLY TRIMMED BEARD. His trademark TURBAN is supplemented by a stylish pair of CALVIN KLEIN SUNGLASSES. As the Kandahar countryside bounces around outside we catch sight of the BOOK that OSAMA BIN LADEN is reading. It is DREAMS FROM MY FATHER by BARACK OBAMA.

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Wait, Salim. Stop the car. I recognize that I
have made a terrible mistake!

SALIM HAMDAN

What is it, O my employer to whose cause I have
no allegiance whatsoever and whose gold I only
take to feed my starving family.

OSAMA BIN LADEN

I recognize now that I was wrong to possibly
attack America on 9/11 (though whether I
attacked America or not must wait for a full
Federal investigation). In my eagerness for
BLOWBACK and to protest America's foreign
policy in the Middle East, I may have been
too hasty.

SALIM HAMDAN

Why do you say this O employer whom I have
never met before this day?

OSAMA BIN LADEN

I have just discovered this wonderful book
by an obscure Chicago politician named BARACK
OBAMA called DREAMS OF MY FATHER which taught
me that not all Americans are POLLUTING HALIBURTON
enforcers like George W. Bush whom I hate so
much. NOW I HAVE GIVEN UP TERRORISM FOR GOOD.

SALIM HAMDAN

Truly this sounds like a wonderful book indeed.
More people should read it.

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Absolutely! I would recommend that everyone
go and buy himself a copy today on Amazon.com
and add it to their wishlist.

SALIM HAMDAN

Do you think there IS ANY CHANCE THIS MAN
OBAMA COULD BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES?

OSAMA BIN LADEN

We can only hope that the American people are wise enough to elect Barack Obama, the man who has taught me the way of peace, but who is also absolutely a Christian and not a Muslim.

SALIM HAMDAN

Now that you have given up terrorism,
stranger who is sitting for some reason
in the back of my car, what will you do?

OSAMA BIN LADEN

I will spend my time teaching poor children
in India about the importance of reducing
energy consumption to make the planet a
better place for us all.

SALIM HAMDAN

Truly that sounds WONDERFUL...
OH NO, WHAT IS THAT?


Overhead two pairs of ferocious HALIBURTON military JET PLANES pass over head releasing hundreds of gallons of POLLUTANTS and giant BOMBS. As they pass overhead NEON GLOWING CROSSES with DOLLAR SIGNS can be seen painted under their wings.

The VOLVO EQUATOR shudders under the impact of the bombs. The RADIO at that moment comes on and begins playing BILLY BRAGG'S THE PRICE OF OIL.

After the planes have passed the songs dies down and there is a terrible silence. SALIM HAMDAN holds OSAMA BIN LADEN in his TENDER BUT MUSCULAR ARMS and looking into his SOULFUL EYES urges him not to speak.

SALIM HAMDAN

Don't speak. Let me drive you to
the nearest DOCTORS WITHOUT BORDERS
station funded by contributions
from GEORGE CLOONEY.


OSAMA BIN LADEN (DYING)

My only regret is that I never got
to teach the children about CARBON
CREDITS or read HOWARD ZINN'S A
PEOPLE'S HISTORY OF THE UNITED
STATES.



2004 - The HAMDAN family, SALIM HAMDAN, SELMA HAMDAN and their EIGHT ADORABLE KIDS are gathered around a table for their CHRISTMAS DINNER. The surroundings are meager and poor but cheery. BIZZY HAMDAN, an ADORABLE LITTLE GIRL with BLOND hair and a LISP toddles over to SALIM and takes his hand in hers.


BIZZY

Daddy, are we going to have
Christmas this year?


SELMA HAMDAN

I don't know honey, ever since
the Republicans killed that
nice Mr. Bin Laden your father
used to drive for and the whole
land turned into a dust bowl,
there's no money left anymore.
Maybe we should go to California.
That nice Mr. Clooney who lives
over there might be able to help
us out.


SALIM HAMDAN

Nonsense sweetheart, you don't need
money to be happy. Just organic food
,a fuel efficient hybrid, a 20 million
dollar picture deal and perfect teeth.
Just like me.


BIZZY

Awww Daddy, I love you so very much.


TIM HAMDAN, a handsome young man, taps a fork on a dinner glass for attention.


TIM HAMDAN

Family, I have an announcement to
make. I think I might be gay.


SALIM HAMDAN

Why that's wonderful news. We can
throw you a coming out party next
week. Because ISLAM is the RELIGION
OF PEACE. Also I have now decided to
be an AFRICAN UNITARIAN, just like my
IDOL... BARACK OBAMA.


BIZZY

Awww Daddy, I love you so very much.



Suddenly a dozen soldiers dressed in HALIBURTON BLACKWATER MERCENARY UNIFORMS burst through the door in an SUV wearing KLAN HOODS and brashing a BURNING CROSS with BUSH'S FACE branded on it. Also they have FREEDOM FRIES and are smoking CIGARETTES.


HALIBURTON THUG

Alright you're all under arrest, for
falsified charges of terrorism. Also
one of you is gay and as REPUBLOCRATS
we really hate that.



2007 - HAMDAN, still ruggedly handsome with the good looks of an ADONIS, but slightly weathered by years of agonizing imprisonment. A single ray of sunshine pierces the gloom behind the bars of GUANTANAMO BAY. Then the light vanishes and HAMDAN falls to the straw floor in abject despair.


HAMDAN

Barack, Barack why hast thou
abandoned me?


Suddenly a bold and enlightening ray of light flashes through the bars like a laser beam and BARACK OBAMA appears hovering in a ray of light in HAMDAN'S cell. When he speaks his voice revebrates through the cell like the VOICE OF GOD or GEORGE CLOONEY.


BARACK OBAMA

Don't be afraid. My hope and change
is with you and the millions of other
Americans unjustly imprisoned by the
BUSHHITLER REGIME.


HAMDAN lifts his head from the ashes, a look of eager hope and transfiguration shining in his eyes. He falls to his knees imploringly before OBAMA.


HAMDAN

Truly is it so, O Great One?


OBAMA

Indeed my SON. I have seen your
sufferings in the line at the GITMO
CAFETERIA when you missed out on the
last slice of frozen pizza and I have
come to tell you that I shall lead
you and all the other UNJUSTLY
IMPRISONED FREEDOM FIGHTERS out of
this land and to a bold new socialist
paradise in AMERICA or barring that
next door in CUBA.


HAMDAN

Tell me, when will this miraculous
redemption come to pass, O MESSIAH
of TERRORISTS.


BARACK OBAMA

When the AMERICAN PEOPLE and THE WORLD
are prepared to have faith in me and
do my bidding. Then the oceans will rise
the corporations will be overthrown and
I will proclaim, LET MY TERRORISTS GO.


HAMDAN

Truly, Barack Hussein Obama, you are the
KING OF THE TERRORISTS.

5 comments:

Lemon said...

Hehehehehe

No Apology said...

NOOOO... Even Stephen King couldn't write script this bad.

HAHA!

Now, if Clooney would go to Afghanistan, find Bin Laden and volunteer to replace Hamdan as his driver,
then maybe he'd have some juice to do a movie.

Or perhaps serve as a stand-in for one of BL's concubine camels...you know, become really steeped
in Islamic traditions, then come back to Follywood and tell America how Islam really is the best of all worlds.

dahozho said...

LOL!

'course, this could actually be taken as a serious script preview in la-la land...

Anonymous said...

Hilarious!! Part of the chgo combine...nothing more. Not a single original thought between his ears.

Keli Ata said...

After a little la la land retooling for even more propoganda effect the film will easily move into production.

Clooney needs to tone it down a bit but by next Spring his grand production will win a ton of awards followed by a ton of pro-terrorist speeches by Clooney.

But I want a twist! I want a "Boys from Brazil"-type bin Ladin clones twist. You have to think sequel, George. Ten years later...a group of six foot six foot tall boys with dark hair...

Or maybe they should resemble Obama? Big ears, big ego and...

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