Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Our Special Interview with the Reverend Jeremiah Wright

(Pardy) Jeremiah Wright, America's most misunderstood black nationalist pastor, was kind enough to sit down for an interview with us.

A.C. Reverend Wright, I'm glad you could join us to explain how you've been misunderstood.

Rev Wright: That's right, I've been gravely misunderstood. I've been accused of being unpatriotic. I'm not unpatriotic, I just hate this country!

A.C. Glad you could clear that up for us.

Rev Wright: I'm so glad to be here! God Damn America!

A.C: What?

Rev Wright: Didn't you hear, God Damn America is the new God Bless America. Everyone's saying it now. From Islamabad to Cairo to Gaza to Jersey City to the sacred mosque of my brother Louis Farrakhan, they're all shouting God Damn America.

A.C: Can you just cut that out?

Rev. Wright: It's in the Bible!

A.C: Alright, where is in the Bible?

Rev. Wright: In one of them big chapters with all the goat sacrificin and the killings all that stuff in Aramaic.

A.C: I can see why the Reverend Pfleger called you America's most renowned theologian.

Rev Wright: God Damn America!

A.C.: Would you just stop that!

Rev. Wright: You got something against the Bible?

A.C.: It's not in the Bible!

Rev. Wright: It's in my Bible.

A.C.: Where?

Rev Wright: It's penciled in.

A.C.: Who penciled it in?

Rev Wright: God.

A.C.: God did not pencil that in.

Rev. Wright: Alright, I penciled it in! God Damn America!

A.C.: Sir, you are not God.

Rev Wright: I am God. Jesus was a poor black man just like me, driving a Porsche and living in a 1 million dollar home his church paid for. God Damn America.

A.C.: Didn't you claim you were misunderstood?

Rev Wright: That's right, I was taken completely out of context!

A.C: In what context did you mean God Damn America?

Rev Wright: In the context that this God damned country has poisoned the black man with AIDS and drugs and taken away his rightful arugula. This vile hellspawned country has oppressed the terrorist and the drug dealer, it has sowed its chickens across the world and now it reaps the whirlwind.

A.C.: That's a bunch of mixed metaphors.

Rev. Wright: No that's not a mixed metaphor, I'll tell you what's a mixed metaphor. What happens to a dream deferred? Does it dry up like an arugula in the sun? What happens to this racist country if it refuses to elect a 1/4 black candidate four years out of the Illinois state legislature who wanted to build a home for senior citizens on a toxic waste dump, to the highest office in the nation? I'll tell you what's gonna happen to that arugula. It's gonna stink bad. Real bad!

A.C.: Getting back to your statements--

Rev. Wright: No I've had enough of you quoting me out of context. They want to take two minutes out of my speech about God damning America and using that to define me. What about all the times I didn't say God Damn America? Why don't I get credit for that?

A.C.: That's a very good point.

Rev. Wright: What about all the time I was saying God Damn Italy and God Damn Israel and God Damn The Entire Western Hemisphere instead? How do you balance that against my decades of service, for which I am only repaid with a million dollar home and millions of dollars in my bank account?

A.C.: That doesn't sound so selfless to me.

Rev. Wright: How dare you talk to me this way? I was a United States Marine. I spent Christmas in Cambodia with John Kerry.

A.C.: Kerry wasn't in the Marines.

Rev. Wright: Course he was. We was on a secret mission to deliver bombs so the white man could bomb some brown men in Cambodia. The chickens was coming home to roost all across Southeast Asia. We smuggled in hash in brown paper bags infected with AIDS to spread disease among the brown man. And the Jews were behind it all!

A.C.: I don't even know where to begin.

Rev. Wright: Same place I did. Just be a Black Muslim, then rip off their best material and use it to create your own church. God Damn America!

A.C.: So how do you feel about Obama disowning you?

Rev. Wright: Obama didn't disown me. He just had to get the Jews off his back. The Jews got this gay bomb that turns men of color into homosexuals. The Israelis developed it in South Africa and they used it on Michael Jackson when he wouldn't go along with them. Obama knows if the Jews use the gay bomb on him, there ain't no way the racist American people are gonna elect a gay 1/4 black man who lies a lot to the highest office of the land.

A.C.: There is no secret Israeli gay bomb.

Rev. Wright: Oh there's a gay bomb. They used it on Michael Jackson. They dropped it on Prince and between all that arugula and spanish ham, I half think they might have used it on Obama already.

A.C.: Like most Americans I just can't help wondering what the hell is wrong with you.

Rev. Wright: I'm a man of God and I serve him in my own way.

A.C.: You just said you were God.

Rev. Wright: That's right, I'm my own man. I serve myself. God Damn America!


Mrs. Right said...

Oh, thank you. That was hysterical! I love your site - you do a great job of keeping us informed. Be well.

Sultan Knish said...

thank you

Friar Yid said...

Good stuff, not that Wright is all that hard a target; he becomes more absurd every time he opens his mouth. Quick question- who is A.C.?

BTW, I wasn't aware God Bless America was still a media catchphrase. Mostly it seems to pop up now and then after a natural disaster (or 9/11).

Anonymous said...

Great satire.
As if the world were not confusing enough for children, now we have to convince them that wright is wrong.

Keli Ata said...

ROFL! Hysterical Sultan.

The good thing about Wright breaking loose and talking to the media is that it gives the politically correct media, already skittish about addressing Obama's true nature an opening to investigate him further.

Perhaps the reason he was invited to address the National Press Club?

Yobeeone said...

Geesh! I'm so slow. Now I get it! Just like the expression "that's bad" means "that's good", damn means bless! How could I have possibly missed that one? Is it because I'm nearly 50, which makes me out of touch with modern lingo? Or is it because I'm white.

Jeff the Cat says it's because I'm an idiot. He could be right!

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