Obama Expands Foreign Policy Team
As the convention draws closer, Barack Obama is fighting against charges of inexperience by building up his team of advisors. Joining such figures as Zbignew Brezinski, Samantha Powers and Jeremiah Wright, the Obama campaign has announced some truly world class additions.
As the announcement was made, there was a rushing of wind outside and a noise of footsteps. They came, clear and distinct, through the night. And yet, they were not like the footsteps of living men.
"Please welcome the new foreign advisors," said campaign spokeswoman Claire Burton. "They're very foreign and they've come a long way to be here."
One by one they entered with the fires of hell still on them.
"Our first addition presided over major agrarian reforms and led his nation through some turbulent times. Please welcome Vladimir Illych Lenin."
Still mummified in bandages, Lenin grunted and took his seat. "Smash all Capitalists. People's revolution. Death to enemy. Sorry smell like wet dog."
"And next all the way from ancient Arabia, Obama's new foreign advisor on religious tolerance, the Prophet Mohammed himself, Bees be Upon Him."
Singed from his long curled fingernails to his long beard, Mohammed stomped in and demanded a six year old. "Where's your religious tolerance you racist bastards. I'm 1200 years old if I'm a day and I want a six year old to make me feel young again and I want her now. Or else it's Jihad for everyone. You think you saw Muslim rage when they burned that stupid book I wrote. Try and see what happens when you overcharge me at a Holiday Inn again."
"Now for a former American who played a crucial role in our military and who attempted to reconcile two warring nations and was widely misunderstood for it, Obama's new National Security advisor, Benedict Arnold."
Benedict Arnold casually entered the room, adjusted his hat, looked around and licked his lips. "Surrender now I say, it's no use fighting on. Let's simply surrender to whoever it is we're fighting. If we surrender now, I can get us excellent terms and a lordship for me. Now show me all your military plans and stop questioning my patriotism!"
"I'm sorry but that will be all for today," said Obama spokeswoman Claire Burton. "Next week we'll also announce the addition of Blackbeard the Pirate, Simon Girty, Walter Butler, Charles Lindbergh, Henry Ford, Father Coughlin, Usama Bin Laden, the living corpse of Saddam Hussein, Stalin, Hillary Clinton and Satan."
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