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Friday, March 21, 2008

The Cycle of Violence Continues in Sushan

The Sushan Times - All the Craven Treason That's Fit to Print
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Jewish Leaders in Sushan Disavow Anti-Haman Smear Campaign

by Boged Megadef

Prominent Jewish leaders in Sushan have taken great pains to distance themselves from a smear campaign against popular Persian Vizier and possible future monarch, Haman HaAggagi after a whispering campaign raised rumors that Haman is an Agagite who hates Jews.

"We the moderate Jews of Sushan condemn the spreading of any such rumors regarding Haman." said Rodef bar Zevel of the Jewish Sushanite Federation. "Haman has longstanding ties with the Jewish community and we strongly support his progressive tax and confiscate policies. There is no evidence whatsoever that Haman hates Jews aside from some completely irrelevant lottery thing he's running."

Nevertheless a secret memo has been leaked to the Forewart in which a leading member of the JSF warns that Haman may implement policies hostile to Jews and the return to Israel once in power. The JSF executive board however has disavowed the memo.


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Cycle of Violence Continues in Sushan

by Boged Megadef

Haman's executive order to wipe out the Jewish people is only the latest unfortunate development in the ongoing cycle of violence between Jews and Agagites that began when the Jewish extremist Samuel beheaded the Agagite monarch.

The Jewish community has reacted in various ways to the royal order to have them exterminated. Moderate Jewish leaders such as the JSF board have been quietly reaching out to the palace to learn if there is anything they can do to have the order annulled. They urge against any public protests or inflammatory rhetoric that could only worsen the situation.

"Quiet diplomacy is the order of the day," said an unnamed source in the JSF. "What we have here is a misunderstanding that we can correct by listening and correcting the grievances that led us to this point. It's important not to make any noise or cause any trouble. Instead Jews should go out of their way to befriend their neighbors, perhaps send them little gifts with polite note cards asking them not to kill them."

Meanwhile however extremist members of the outlawed "Sanhedrin" group have been reportedly making other preparations. JSF public relations executives urge anyone aware of any lawbreaking by the Sanhedrin to immediately report them to the police.



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Extremist Rabbis Accused of Plotting Violence, Extremism

by Boged Megadef

In the wake of the turbulent events of the past year that saw the Jewish people condemned to death only to have the verdict reversed, many moderate Jewish leaders remain concerned about the threat of violence from extremist Rabbis. Though the royal decree technically calls on Jews to rise up and slay those who may have been plotting to kill them, Rabbi Azaf Sheker of Temple Beth Shalom has condemned any such action as Un-Jewish.

"Rising up and killing those who would kill us only perpetuates the cycle of violence," Rabbi Sheker said, "isn't it better that we set an example for them by not killing them, so that next time when they think about killing us, they'll feel ashamed and maybe decide not to kill us."

Rabbi Sheker, like many moderate Jewish leaders is greatly concerned about the threat of violence from Jewish extremist Rabbis, particularly the well known Sanhedrin leader Mordechai.

"Look, I like everyone in the community has been disappointed by the formerly progressive administration of Artaxerxes, which under Haman made a substantial commitment to raising taxes, which has now gone right wing and appointed a rabid right wing extremist like Mordechai as the Vizier.," Rabbi Sheker said. "Right now we're doing everything we can to calm down the situation and prevent any violence. No matter what the King or extremist Rabbis like Mordechai who still think the Torah is the word of some deity. So Baal willing, we can all this sorted out."

However despite Rabbi Sheker's reasonable words of reason, many Jewish households are reportedly stocking up on weapons and preparing for a fight. The JSF has responded by putting out a call for volunteer human shields in its youth division in order to prevent fighting.

Lead among the human shields is Tikkun Silverstein who heads up the JSF's elite Conflict Resolution Team.

"Death to the Zionist occupiers of Sushan," Tikkun Silverstein screamed moderately from atop the barricades, "the oppressed Agagite people will still triumph. Tikkun Olam ! Death to the right wing fascists. Haman must be avenged. Resisting us only furthers the cycle of violence!"

Few Agagites however seemed interested in heeding his call. Most hung around dispiritedly before heading home again.

"Violence never solved anything," said Rabbi Sheker, "it only perpetuates the problem. So this time we fight and we win, we'll just have to do it all over again a few decades from now anyway. Isn't it better to see their side of things, understand why they hate us, internalize it and hate ourselves as much as they do so perhaps they'll have mercy on us and learn to mildly tolerate us?"

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