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Wednesday, September 05, 2007

Dear Tiny Minority of Extremists



Dear Tiny Minority of Extremists,

I realize this letter comes to you at a bad time but let's face reality, every time for you is a bad time since the fall of the Ottoman Empire. I don't think the Ottoman Empire is coming back especially because if Turkey joins the EU it will be forced to enact socialism and provide equal rights to homosexuals, eliminating any reason for the existence of an Ottoman Empire.

Right now your current plans to create a World Islamic Empire or Caliphate have run into a little snag, the little snag being that you all hate each other. So far your war against the Great Satan has turned into Wahhabis killing Shiites and Sunnis who don't agree with them. Sunnis killing Wahhabis and Shiites. Shiites killing everyone who isn't a Shiite. Kurds killing Arabs. Persians killing Arabs. Fatah and Hamas killing each other. Iran threatening Bahrain. Turkey and Pakistan on the verge of civil war.

If our governments had any sense they'd just get out of the way and let you kill each other. Unfortunately our governments are very stupid and instead send you money and guns. If it were up to me I would simply send you the guns. Also I would fill the guns with silly putty inside and you could invent a new form of terrorism called, "Suicide Shooting." In America we call "Suicide Bombing", 'Too Stupid To Use a Timer" and "Suicide Shooting", "Too Stupid To Know How to Clean His Gun." But then we're infidel Americans who care about nothing but fast cars, fast food and living until we're 90. What do we know.

Fortunately surveys suggest that death, especially killing each other is how you progress morally. For example the majority of Jordanians supported terrorism and suicide bombing up until Al Queda decided to suicide bomb a wedding at one of their hotels. Now most Jordanians oppose terrorism and suicide bombing, at least when it's directed at them. You thought Al Queda was great when it destroyed the World Trade Center. After Al Queda blew up enough Shia mosques in Iraq, you aren't as fond of them anymore. It's not much but it is progress.

We are of course greatly impressed by the strength of your religious devotion, but like Jimmy in the fourth grade who likes to dissect flies with a pencil, we only wish you could find some other way to express your potential that doesn't involve killing things. Yes I know Muslims give charity and make pilgrimages to Mecca and pray five times a day. But you seem to give charity to terrorists, make pilgrimages to Mecca to hear rants about killing the Western infidels and I don't think whatever deity you worship really wants to see your asses once a day, let alone five times a day. Just saying.

Finally we really appreciate your attempts to impose your culture and your religion on us. Especially since they happen to be our religion which you stole and then turned inside out because apparently desert nomads can't read but they can steal. But just to help you out, here are a few simple tips. First of all there is nothing wrong with being around a pig or a picture of a pig. Just in eating one. If you don't eat a pig, you're okay. Porky won't hurt you if you don't eat him. You don't absorb pig by osmosis. It's a medical fact, you just don't.

Women are not the devil. I know it's an easy mistake to make when your only contact with women comes from seeing their shrouded forms moving ghostlike on the other side of the street. If women in America looked like black ghosts I would be scared of them too. Fortunately they are not. Also we allow non-Muslims to hold public office. And we try not to stone them. These are important differences you should make a note of when you move to our countries.

I know you find many things about our countries and cultures offensive but here is one thing we find offensive about your culture, killing people. Please don't do it when you move to our country. I know your Imam told you it's a religious duty. We don't care, you're still not allowed to do it. Not even if Porky converts to Buddhism and hits on your sister. It's still against the law. If you absolutely can't control yourself and must kill someone, please use the included gun filled with silly putty we provide you.

Sincerely yours

The Civilized World

9 comments:

Marcel said...

Sultan ,

A tiny minority causes so much trouble for a reason.

It is Israel's God who is allowing Israel's enemies to rise up.
He will use Iran as He did ancient Babylon to get the attention of His people and humble them so that they might seek him....
instead of relying on con men,decievers and liars.

Don't believe for a second that the U.S. will rescue,help or save Israel because the U.S. is soon to be brought down to the dust.

I'd get out of any large city very soon.

Israel ,
Why have you chosen the curse ?

Blessing ...

"Blessed shall you be when you come in, and blessed shall you be when you go out.
"The Lord will cause your enemies who rise against you to be defeated before your face; they shall come out against you one way and flee before you seven ways.
--------------
Or the Curse......

"The alien who is among you shall rise higher and higher above you, and you shall come down lower and lower. He shall lend to you, but you shall not lend to him; he shall be the head, and you shall be the tail.
"Moreover all these curses shall come upon you and pursue and overtake you, until you are destroyed, because you did not obey the voice of the Lord your God, to keep His commandments and His statutes which He commanded you. And they shall be upon you for a sign and a wonder, and on your descendants forever.
Because you did not serve the Lord your God with joy and gladness of heart, for the abundance of everything, therefore you shall serve your enemies, whom the Lord will send against you, in hunger, in thirst, in nakedness, and in need of everything; and He will put a yoke of iron on your neck until He has destroyed you. The Lord will bring a nation against you from afar, from the end of the earth, as swift as the eagle flies, a nation whose language you will not understand, a nation of fierce countenance, which does not respect the elderly nor show favor to the young. And they shall eat the increase of your livestock and the produce of your land, until you are destroyed; they shall not leave you grain or new wine or oil, or the increase of your cattle or the offspring of your flocks, until they have destroyed you. "They shall besiege you at all your gates until your high and fortified walls, in which you trust, come down throughout all your land; and they shall besiege you at all your gates throughout all your land which the Lord your God has given you.

Karim also known as Rage Boy said...

Sahib Sultan,
How is it you once more using my photo on your cover of illustrious magazine of you?
Inshallah I realise it is not your own choice but for love of Kandahar I not understanding this.
I will remind you that all jews is terriers!
sincerely, Rage Boy

Sultan Knish said...

Marcel,

everyone needs to turn to G-d, not just Israel. And you may note that those same curses appear to be coming true in Europe even faster

Lemuria Citizen said...

Yes the alien is rising higher and higher in America and in Britain and the Scandinavian nations faster than in Israel proper.

Udiyah said...

Sultan:

What does this mean?

And they shall be upon you for a sign and a wonder, and on your descendants forever.

Sultan Knish said...

it means whenever the jewish people sin, the curses can come into effect and they serve as a sign demonstrating that G-d means what he says and that there is punishment for wickedness when people fall into evil

forever is actually a mistranslation, the hebrew is 'ad olam' or until the world's end which comes when Moshiach does

with the first exile of nevuchadnezzar, the curses took effect, after a period they were lifted and the jews returned and eventually they sinned and these and other curses took effect and the second temple fell and the cycle continued

since then the curses remain always in effect as a potential punishment for sin, just as a flood always remains in effect as a punishment for the world's wickedness... G-d however will not flood the world again but he does provide warnings that if not for his pledge to Noah, he would flood the world

the curses are of course terrible but they demonstrate a close relationship, both punishment and blessing, show that even when we sin we remain closely involved with G-d

Yobeeone said...

Dear extremists:

Please ignore the existence of foreign governments and kill yourselves anyway. :] History channel can turn it into a reality show and we can all enjoy your antics and cheer your self-destruction.

My popcorn is ready. Let the show begin!

Sincerely,
She who used to raise pigs (before kosher days) and would love to find a few and tie them to you. :]

Karim, "Rage Boy "Ohmed said...

I wanted to tell your readers O Great Efendi my Sultan,sahib, that if the kind peoples who read your workings here would like me to autograph my likness as Rage Boy I am only too happy to do so for a small fee.

Billy Thornton said...

Sultan, that also applies to blessing on Israel. The blessings and curses are a sign for sure that Jews are the people of God. He cares enough to work exclusively with them!
It becomes a sign to the whole world who he loves.

Marcel as a pastor I am saying to you cut the preaching boy!
These people had the bible long before you were born son. They don't need your interpretations.

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