Monday, January 08, 2007

Richard Patterson North presents Exile - Complete with Free Except of North's Brillant Novel about the Middle East (Not)

(Read on for a special exclusive book excerpt)

Ripped from 10 year's ago's headlines, Richard North Patterson returns with a propaganda piece smearing Israel, celebrating the Palestinian terrorists as heroic martyrs and repeating the same material that's been done to death on the usual TV shows like JAG and NCIC.

The story involves the assassination of an Israeli Prime Minister seeking peace with the Palestinians (like I said decade old headlines) by Hana Arif, a former Palestinian lover of the book's main character, modeled on Hannan Ashrawi. (Since Hannan Ashrawi's former Western boyfriends included Peter Jennings, one wonders if they also included Richard Can't Find North To Save His Ass Patterson.

Of course Richard Patterson North...I mean David South or East Wolfe or whatever the main character's name in the book is will defend her and journey to the West Bank to explore just how mean Israel is being to the Palestinians causing them to explode in violence blah blah and discover that some right wingers in the Israeli military were really responsible for the assassination to thwart peace.

In case anyone has any real doubts what Northwest Patterson New Jersey's agenda is, the key on the background of the firestorm makes that bloody clear. Its to recite Palestinian propaganda about losing their homes, being oppressed in great thunderous detail all the while portraying American Jews as rich, soulless and power hungry.

Exile has already gotten thumbs down from Booklist and Publisher's Weekly which are the big two outlets in the book publishing trade. Two strikes for Richard North Patterson.

Publisher's Weekly says,

"Bestseller Patterson's new thriller with its focus on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict has been overtaken by events (there's no mention of Israel's unilateral withdrawal from the Gaza Strip in 2005 or the recent fighting across the Lebanese border)...the introduction of a soap-operaish subplot undercuts his intended high purpose, and the resolution of the mystery is too predictable to surprise."

Booklist says,

Patterson, the author of 13 previous best-selling novels, turns his focus to the Israeli-Palestinian crisis in this overly long novel. The characterization is cardboard...The writing is schmaltzy and stiff."

Nevertheless we at Sultan Knish are just thrilled to death to present this excerpt from Richard North Patterson's novel, Exile. Fasten your seatbelts or unfasten them and prepeare for this shocking thrill ride that will take you into the depths of middle eastern politics as only the master himself, Richard North Patterson (except when he's pointing east) can manage by reading his copy of The Middle East for Dummies.

Here without further ado is the unedited draft of Richard North Patterson's Exile complete with editor's notes.


by Richard North Patterson IV

David Wolfe stared out the window. He felt sad. He should have been happy. He was marrying the ultimate Jewish American Princess (editor's note, Richard please change this characterization to something less offensive) who had lots of political connections. Yet all the money David had and his plans to be elected to congress so he could do the bidding of the Zionist lobby couldn't cheer him up at all. (Editor's note: Richard please!) Also her dad was a Holocaust survivor or something.

He remembered fondly that time he had been with Hannan Ashrawi (Editor's note: change the name please). It had been the happiest time in his life. He remembered making love to her while bombs went off nearby in whatever part of the middle east they were or maybe it was Paris. (Editor's note: Richard can you please learn to use an encyclopedia)

Looking through his expensive windows bought and paid for with all his Jewish money, David Wolfe wondered why he wasn't happy. Maybe tonight's meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Bozzum Garbanzoogas (Editor's note: I'm pretty sure that's not a real Israeli name) who had a plan to bring peace to the region. Bozzum had once been a tough general who had fought many wars with the arabs and twice invaded Australia. (Editor's note: Richard have you been drinking again?) Now he had decided to seek peace.

Chapter 12

David looked around the ruins of Rammalah. The Israeli war machine had sent its tanks rumbling through there and smashed entire buildings flat with their massive treads. Airplanes continued dropping explosives from the sky as lovable Palestinian schoolchildren fled into hills of rubble. From the warplanes raining death and destruction in the name of the Israeli God, David Wolfe could see the Israeli soldiers grinning as they competed to see who could kill more Palestinian children.

"After the Israelis invaded us in 1812, there has been no peace," said Farid Gazombas who had been taking David on a tour of the area. "Every day they come in with their tanks and blimps and shoot their death rays into our homes and schools. How are we to raise our children surrounded by death rays? How can they help but learn to shoot death rays back?"

David nodded his head. These deeply meaningful cliches had never occurred to him when he had been a rich well-off American Jew doing the bidding of the Zionist Occupied Government in Washington D.C. Now he was learning about real life as only Richard Patterson North... err Farid Gazombas could show him.

"After the death rays come these giant things that stomp around and we take them out by tying logs to trees in the forests of Endor and smashing them to bits."

(Editor's note: Richard, I think you're thinking of Star Wars: Return of the Jedi)

Chapter 491

"Ha ha ha," laughed the wicked Israeli general. "I like to grab and eat Palestinian babies. The more the merrier. First we kicked them out of their homes. Then we ate their babies. Ha Ha Ha."

This was awful, David Wolfe thought. He had never imagined all this was so before. Now at last he knew what his defense should be.

"Now," said the Israeli general, "you Richard North Patterson will tell us where you hid the droids."

"These are not the droids you're looking for," said David Wolfe.

(Editor's Note: Star Wars, Star Wars, STAR WARS!! What is wrong with you anyway?)

Chapter 19,891

David Wolfe faced the jury. He suspected one or two of them would be Jews but it would make no difference. He would win the case. He knew it.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you want the truth, you want the truth? The truth is that Israel is an evil Zionist war machine whose oppression gives the Palestinians no choice but to commit acts of mass murder!"

He paused breathlessly studying the celling. It was a really nice celling with lots of speckled patterns. They reminded David of the celling in the hotel at that place where he had made love to Hannan Ashrawi while the Death Star blew up in a massive explosion.

"You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"

(Editor's note: That's it Richard, I quit. I can't take it anymore. I can't take a career of editing talentless worthless hacks like you. I'm going back to teaching. Are you happy? Are you happy now?)

Exile by Richard Patterson North will be available in the basement of Borders and at finer discount bins everywhere.


Lemon Lime Moon said...

David had gone over to the dark side to be with Ashrawi.
David and Ashrawi married and David came to memorize more of the ceiling than ever before..noticing how badly it needed painting, even as Ashrawi tried desperately to make him notice her.
But alas David was realizing he was nothing more than a bad character in a bad novel.

Sultan Knish said...

yes sadly and so of course they both tried to blow up the novel but just wound up covered in dust from the pages no one had ever turned

Lemon Lime Moon said...

Well it is best for all concerned if such historical revisionists lie down in the dust and grow cobwebs too.

Sultan Knish said...

they eat cobweb sandwiches regularly, it's why the spiders hate them

but well they need something to do with their time and bashing israel is profitable... caters to the michael moore crowd

Lemon Lime Moon said...

I didnt know Michael Moore had catered affairs. learn something new daily on this blog!

Sultan Knish said...

michael moore eats catered affairs, the screams of caterers swallowed alive rise up from his stomach as distant cries for help

Lemon Lime Moon said...

So that's what that is. Ok, I knew it was inhuman but just wasn't sure how deeply perverted it really was. Now I know and knowing is half the battle............

Sultan Knish said...

Yes... he ate Gi Joe too

very sad, but don't count Gi Joe out either

Lemon Lime Moon said...

I adore GI Joe and would never count him out.
I believe he will one day save us all!!
I am still getting over the catered affairs..just such a weird mental picture for me.

Sultan Knish said...

well it should see all the elephants he hate... that's why they're endangered you know and the bears come next

Lemon Lime Moon said...

And all from one stinky novel!!
This novel is the cause of much suffering in the world and I think hair growing on palms of hands if truth be told!
I personally will recommend this novel never be seen by anyone.
I do have smicha as you well know and my opinion counts double because of that little detail..she said modestly.

Sultan Knish said...

oh yes your answer carries much weight and tips the scales of justice and wisdom

so may michael moore eat richard patterson north and all will live happily ever after

Lemon Lime Moon said...


Keliata said...

Sultan, you've outdone yourself with this article. It's wonderful.

I now have the urge to smack Richard (and his type) in the heads with encyclopedias.

LindaSoG said...

I'd really like to take the time to comment on this excellent article, but I'm a little busy.

Its my turn to make the matzoh and I've gotta find a palestinian baby to sacrifice.

Maybe later, m'kay?

kishke said...

Patterson is one of the world's crappiest writers. His characters are cardboard cutouts. I read one of his books; it was like reading See Dick Run, but with longer, more boring sentences.

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