Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Thuggee: Religion of Peace

(Due to an unscheduled absence Sultan Knish will not be able to post today. Instead we present this guest editorial from Thuggee High Priest Mola Ram)

Thuggee: Religion of Peace

by Mola Ram

We live in a diverse society composed of many different ethnic backgrounds and religions, yet we continue to be plagued by ignorant stereotyping from those who see us as different.

The Thuggee faith has been particularly hard hit by such cruel stereotyping. The derogatory word 'Thug' stems from the name of our worshipers. Thuggees are widely stereotyped as being murderous robbers who will strangle you with a handkerchief and rifle your purse at a moment's notice. Even our deity Kali is portrayed as some sort of Goddess of Murder. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Thuggee is a Religion of Peace. As worshipers of Kali we kneel before her and gain inner peace by submitting our earthly desires to her. As Thuggees we practice charity and kindness. We visit the sick and distribute our earnings to the poor. We accompany travelers on poorly lit roads and help them find their way. Sometimes they ask us to hold things for them and we do. For as long as it takes. Sometimes they need to borrow a scarf and then they need help adjusting that scarf around their neck. And we do. Till it's just right.

Thuggees have led the way in including women in our religion. Thuggees will practice our rites on men and women equally. For that matter Thuggees are not known to discriminate by race. Black, white, asian, homosexual. It makes no difference to us. All we care about is making sure your scarf fits.

As Thuggees we contribute to whatever society we happen to live in and contrary to the stereotypes of Thuggees as robbers, there is not a single Thuggee serving time for a white collar crime anywhere. Not one. Instead Thuggees have prospered in the IRS, Wall Street and many of us are excellent surgeons specializing in heart transplants.

Finally Thuggees do not exclude any religion. Many of our members have been Hindus and many Muslims as well. In fact Muslims have been some of our best recruits. And now that you've learned a lot more about the Thuggee faith, perhaps your stereotypes have been dispelled and you can realize that we are merely another part of the great mosaic of your nation.

Say you seem cold. Winter is coming and perhaps you could use a scarf. Just a little one. Oh go ahead, just try it on. I promise to make it fit snugly. There just around the neck and flip it over and... MOLA RAM SUDA RAM MOLA RAM SUDA RAM... YOU CANNOT RESIST...MOLA RAM SUDA RAM...I WILL DEVOUR YOUR HEART...MOLA RAM SUDA RAM...MOLA RAM SUDA RAM...MOLA RAM SUDA RAM

(Mola Ram is the President of the Mola Ram Thugee Studies Center at Harvard University)


Lemon Lime Moon said...

I was positive they were peaceful and this completely puts all doubt to rest.

Keliata said...

LOL. I was so wrong about them.

yobeeone said...

No Lemon! No Keliata! They are peaceful! How much more peace could they possibly bring by tying that scarf around your neck just right! You'll never have to worry about anything again! :]

Islamic Dacoit said...

We are a very peaceful religion. We just want a piece of your skin, your home, your land, your country. We are not content with 21 Arab countries. We want 22. We are not content with Pakistan, Afghanistan and lots of other stans in the region. We want all of India and plenty of China too. But we are very peaceful, so long as you submit to us. After all in our language, submission and peace come from the same root. And Islam means submission.

So, submit peacefully or die. We come in peace!

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