8:29 AM (BBC)
In preparation for the holy time of Ramadan, the holiest time in the Muslim calendar apart from International Eat-A-Goat Day, leading Muslim clerics have announced a new plan to bring peace to the world by killing everyone who isn't a Muslim.
"In observing these world events," said Sheikh Jihad Al-Mujahid, "we can clearly see that conflict emanates from all regions where Muslims are in contact with non-Muslims. From this one can only draw one conclusion, that all problems are caused by the continued existence of infidels or those who have not accepted Islam. In the name of Allah the Most Merciful to bring world peace, we have decided to kill everyone."
As part of a joint proclamation with top Shiite and Sunni clerics, the decision has been made to peacefully begin killing everyone on September 28th. This announcement has been met with some concern.
France has sent a diplomatic letter asking for clarification as to what is meant by this plan to kill everyone and whether it really means "zhey will keel everyone." The EU representatives speculated that this was due to a lack of progress in the Middle-East peace process and announced a new peace plan that would turn over 100 percent of Israel to the Arabs and kill 95.5 percent of Jews living there.
Israel's Prime Minister Ehud Olmert angrily countered that Israel could and would never accept such a plan. "Israel is willing to make great sacrifices for peace," Olmert said, "we can offer to hand over 99 percent of Israel and allow the killing of up to 75 percent of the Jewish people but absolutely no more. I am completely firm in this regard."
President Bush in Washington D.C. called on the world to embrace the "Democratic means of resoluting discussions" and "abandoning evildoms for progressing through hopeful measurings" and warned against any outbursts of Islamophobia. "Today a billion and a half people around the world met and democratically decided to kill everyone different from them. While we disagree with their decision, we respect the democratic means they undertook to reach it and we wish them well as they scale new heights of democraticisity."
In London there have been nervous tensions and the British government has speedily responded by dispatching large numbers of police officers to protect Mosques and Muslim stores against any possible outbreaks of anti-Muslim vandalism. Prime Minister Blair met with the heads of the Muslim Council of Britain and while the Prime Minister stated that he continued to differ with the council on their position of killing everyone, he had learned a lot from their exchange of ideas.
Reacting to the crisis the Archbishop of Canterbury sprang into action announcing that every Church in the Church of England would henceforth be open all day.
"In such a troubled time people of faith are searching for answers and the Church of England as always stands ready to provide them," said the Archbishop. "Our Churches will be open all day and will be holding seminars on Buddhism and globalization allowing our parishioners to meditate on their sins against the third world before they are brutally hacked to death. We have already made arrangements with our Muslim brothers to wait until after the screening of Ken Loach's latest film before they murder us all, as part of our well-deserved karmic atonement for using to much petrol in our BMW's."
Back in the United States, the Reform Council of Judaism, the Conservative Synagogue Alliance, the Reconstructionist Federation and the Wiccan Jewish Alliance of America have already announced their top priority legislative agenda, ensuring that married lesbian couples will have equal access to abortions.
In a dissenting statement the Agudah representative Rabbi Shmuel Herschel said the following, "ve are immediately calling for a yoym tefila vur der gantzer klal as dis svere catastrophe hut gekummen zu uns as die froyen zey geyeh in die untzniusdike kleider as it says in die shir ha'shirim, ani schehora veyofya, vus meint sechora ven alle veisen as yiddishe froyen sind nit keine schwartzes, es meint zei geyen bekleidet in schwartz vun fis zu kopf vie die musselmanische froyen geyehn und dos ist yofye as es zogt kol kvoydoh bat meylech penima, ven alle yiddische froyen vellen geyen bekleidet vie musselmanische froyen, vellen mir zeihn an am kodeysh un a mamlechet koyhanim as die menner vellen hoben night mer keine interes in die froyen nur in lernen blatt gemore."
His statement however was generally ignored since no one could tell what he was talking about and he quickly digressed to a discussion of whether washing the bugs in lettuce with the bugs in tap water would cause both sets of bugs to eat each other, thereby nullifying themselves.
Schools and libraries around the world meanwhile are meeting the emergency by sponsoring a special "Learn About Islam Before They Kill You Day," which will teach average Americans and Europeans the proper way to convert to Islam, the proper positions for being beheaded and to avoid eating any pork products for at least a day before being killed, so as as not to defile their murderers.
The city of London in cooperation with the Muslim Council of Britain has announced a program of designated killing areas through the city where those who refuse to convert to Islam can report to for a quick beheading.
"This," said Mayor Ken Livingstone soon to be Mayor Abu Khalid, "will prevent inconvenience to Britons of the Muslim faith from having to hunt you down and kill you and then mutilate your corpse. It will also limit damage to both public and private property.
"With your cooperation all this unpleasantness will be concluded shortly.
8:30 AM - This is the BBC