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Thursday, December 20, 2007

In Which Islam Conquers the Scourge of Western Novels and Characters

Cairo, September 1st, 2006

Outside traffic noises blare mingling with the cries and shouts of merchants and drivers. A humid muggy stench rises from the street, the smell of factory pollution mingled with gasoline, oil, steaming piles of refuse, dung and broiling meat.

On a rickety wooden table are a great pile of books. Abdul Hamid who in his days of living in Paris had called himself Pierre, sits leafing through them one by one.

"Well," the other man prompts him. Unlike Abdul he is lean with the cold predatory eyes of a fanatic on a perpetual rampage. His name is Sheikh Salafah and he is a leading instructor at Al-Azhar University.

"It can be done," Abdul says breaking his reverie. For a moment the books had taken him back to his student days in Paris, the cafes, the boat rides, the women. All gone now. "Yes," he repeats, "it can be done."

"It must be done!" Sheikh Salafah says. "As the triumph of Islam approaches that victory must be complete even over the infidel Western literature. As we destroy or convert the bodies of the Western infidels, so too we must convert their literature making it Islamic."

Abdul nods putting down the copy of Victor Hugo's 'Les Miserables.' "I will begin immediately he says.


Cairo, October 12th 2006

"And so Peter Rabbit came hopping, hopping down the bunny trail. He hopped, hopped full of fury at the Zionist oppressor which had overtaken his homeland, planted settlements on his meadows and demeaned his women. Hop, hop, Peter Rabbit hopped until he reached a Zionist city and proclaiming in a loud voice, 'Allah Akbar' detonated the Semtex belt around his fluffy tail killing many of the Zionist enemy as he ascended to bunny paradise where bunny virgins would feed him grapes and give him all manners of pleasure. Allah is great. Peace be upon him."

Abdul put down the manuscript and Sheikh Salafah nodded approvingly.

"And what of this Snow White and Cinderella?" the Sheikh asked.

"They are beheaded by their fathers for disobeying their stepmothers," Abdul said. "Gretel starves to death in the forest. Hans manages to redeem himself by blowing himself up in front of the White House. Christopher Robin and Pooh drive piglet away from the Hundred Acre Wood because she is a disgusting unclean animal where she dies soon and everyone rejoices that her uncleanliness has been purged from their midst."

"Excellent, excellent," Sheikh Salafah said, steeping his bony fingers under his chin. "The children must learn proper Islamic values from an early age. And what of the larger adult novels?"

"Robinson Crusoe is stranded on an island when his ship is attacked by an American fighter plane. There on the island he repents and embraces Allah and then encounters a friendly Arab slaver ship which returns him home where he opens a mosque and begins teaching of the wonders of Islam."

Outside car horns blared. Winter was coming but it would not be felt for some time in Cairo yet.

"The three Musketeers die valiantly together storming Jerusalem together with Saladin against the Crusaders. Captain Nemo is the son of a Palestinian whose father was murdered by Israelis and preys on American vessels carrying arms to Israel. Ben Hur's new name is Ibn Hur and he aids the Palestinians in the recapture of their land under the leadership of Al-Yasoos against the evil Jews who have stolen it from them."

"You are truly doing Allah's work," Sheikh Salafah says approvingly. "What will your next project be?"

"Pride and Prejudice," Abdul says. Outside the noise grows.


Cairo, November 16th 2006

"Elizabeth watched Mr. Darcy approach modestly from underneath her Niqab. She had nothing to say to him for it was not proper for a woman to speak. As her father's third wife scurried into the kitchen limping. Clearly her father had found it exceedingly necessary to beat her forewtith again. Sally was young. She had been become her father's third wife at only eleven years of age and had yet to properly adjust to the household or her marital duties but Elizabeth was confident she would be broken in soon enough. Daily Lizzie studied the Quran with her teaching her the words of Allah's Prophet (pbuh) who teaches that women are inferiors who must be subservient to their husbands.

Mr. Darcy's carriage comes to a halt by the carriage house and he dismounts, his long beard brushing against his fine coat. His two wives follow behind him bending their eyes obediently to the earth. Such is proper for a woman to do. Elizabeth with her own eyes on the ground somberly watched his boots grow nearer to her. He had only two wives and perhaps if he was lucky he would choose her as his third."

Abdul finished reading and once again Sheikh Salafah nodded approvingly.

"It is crucial to teach their whores, that is their women proper values and manners," the Sheikh said. "There will be a bonus for you for this body of work."

"I do it but for Allah," Abdul said, while inwardly contemplating what he would do with the bonus. A satellite dish was appealing. Many of his neighbors had them already and it would allow him access to the uncensored channels and programming of the decadent west.

"Indeed," the Sheikh said. "There are many working on this project but you are among our best. What we are striving for is not to merely make Arabic translations of Western workers as has been done to corrupt our youth in the past but to remake even the culture of the infidel in our own image. While the martyrs conquer their forces with bombs and our immigrants raise the flag of Islam over their cities, we conquer even their Western canon which they take so much pride in."

"Truly it is a master stroke, a victory for Islam," Abdul agreed. Somewhere in his mind he heard the cafe music playing again, the gaily laughing Parisian students playing instruments in the corner.

"A great victory, do not underestimate it," Sheikh Salafah said, leaning forward, his eyes so earnest they verged on madness. "Islam's empire is not merely one of armies and territories. As the West is showing to us now, such empires quickly totter and fall without a culture behind them. The culture of Islam will create an empire that is utterly absolute in which every vestige and detail of life is completely and thoroughly subjected to Islam. In which not only will nothing remain or survive that is in disagreement with Islam but in which every word, every book, every song, even thought will serve Islam or be eradicated.

"This is a war. Not merely a war against men but a war against ideas. The cartoons of our Prophet showed them that we would not tolerate their so-called freedom of speech when that speech is against Islam. Soon we will show them that we will not tolerate any speech that is not actively for Islam and as the Prophet predicted they will bow their necks to our boot."

Abdul bowed his head humbly in the face of the Sheikh's vision trying to drown out the merry cafe music playing somewhere in the dim recesses of his memories. The Sheikh stood to go wearily leaning on his cane.

"What is your next project?" The Sheikh asked, as he stood at the door waiting for the young boy whose shoulder he would lean on to come. There were rumors that the Sheikh used that young boy for other things as well but no devout Muslim would credit such rumors of course.

"Somerset Maugham's Of Human Bondage," Abdul said quickly.

The Sheikh frowned. "A good title. It speaks of submission. Is it already about Islam?"

"No," Abdul said, "but it will be."

Outside the darkness grew and the music died.

Re: Pinocchio and friends converted to Islam

4 comments:

Louis De Palma said...

They should be sued for altering copyrighted materials.
Disgusting in the extreme to think of them touching literature with their blood stained hands.

Yobeeone said...

Coming to a Denmark bookstore near you! (or books I'd like to see!)

"Once Upon a Psycho: The life of moohamud."

"The Kookiran: The philosophy of Psycho."

"Of Lice and Fleas: muzlim guide to personal hygiene."

"To Kill a muzlim: Yo's guide to world peace."

LemonLimeMoon said...

Astute assessment as always .

Keli Ata said...

Brilliant article!

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