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Thursday, August 24, 2006

The Secret Israeli Plot to Defeat Iran #3489 (Classified)

(The following are the projected notes of a top secret meeting by the Israeli cabinet of a scenario for the absolute and utter defeat of the Iranian threat. Marked not for release.)



Dateline:2007

Having severed all political and economic ties with the United States and the Western Powers, Israel is on its own. Seizing the opportunity the Iranian regime sought and achieved close ties with the US and Europe receiving billions in foreign aid, military supplies and international legitimacy.

January - Iran receives its first payment of 3 billion dollars in foreign aid...as credit for purchases of American military equipment. Iran awaits shipments of new weapons only to discover that nothing can get done unless the Senators who are holding up the foreign bill approve it. Iranian Mullahs fly to Washington DC and to several defense contractors
trying to untangle the snarl created when the Senators refuse to approve the foreign aid unless the contractors go to defense contractors in their particular state.

February - Iran is now widely being accused of being an American puppet. Europeans jeer at Iranians and accuse it of promoting globalization. Far right and far leftist Americans begin talking about a Tehran-Occupied Capitol Hill and claiming that Persian influence over American politics is dominating our foreign policy. David Duke begins referring to something he calls the IOG. Persians in America are repeatedly accused of dual loyalties. George Galloway drunkenly accuses Iran of burning his mustache.

March - Israel begins arming Kurdish, Sunni and Zoroastrian guerrillas in Iran, providing them with training and encouragement to carry out terrorist attacks. Iran's responses to the attacks are quickly met with worldwide condemnation. The UN passes numerous resolutions condemning Iran. America threatens a cutoff of foreign aid warning that only a diplomatic solution is the answer.

April - Frustrated, Iran pulls back its troops. The international media begins referring to Southern Iran as New Kurdistan. Kurdish, Sunni and Zoroastrian terrorists are granted observer status in the UN and millions of dollars in foreign aid. Iran meanwhile continues awaiting its shipment of weapons.

June - The US State Department begins pressuring Iran to open talks with the terrorists. Iran refuses. Europeans begin boycotting Iranian goods. The chief of the Kurdish Zoroastrian terrorists delivers a speech at the UN to loud applause as his men begin hijacking Iranian planes and blowing up Iranian cafes. "Now can we fight back?" Iran asks. "No," the world replies, "you'll just be perpetuating the cycle of violence."

July - The American weapons finally arrive loaded down with gear and technology that no one in Iran asked for and that actually impede their functioning. The Iranian arms industry had been shut down in expectation of the American weapons and the Iranian military puzzles over how to integrate the many useless features.

August - Blasts echo across Iran as the terrorists strike again using Israeli made weapons. Iran demands the world denounce Israel. The world instead denounces Iran for creating the conditions that made the terrorists feel so pressured they had no choice but to lash out with violence. The Iranian representative to the UN begins tearing his hair out by the roots right on the podium.

September - Israeli backed guerrillas begin shelling Iranian cities. Iran retaliates with massive bombardments to universal condemnation. Israel is given hundreds of millions free of charge to rebuild. Iran is offered loans on condition that it honor a cease fire, even if the guerrillas don't. The entire Iranian Foreign Ministry commits suicide en masse.

October - Iran enters negotiations with the terrorist groups offering them an autonomous territory in Southern Iran. The state quickly becomes a breeding ground for terrorist attacks. "No backsies," the world tells Iran, "it's their country now." "Hey we said an autonomous territory not a state," Iran protests. The world shrugs. The killing continues.

November - 16 separate UN resolutions are introduced demanding that Iran remove its troops from Southern Iran. British cartoons illogically depict Iran crucifying Jesus. Many nations sever all diplomatic ties with Iran. Meanwhile Israel receives a windfall of offers from Europe if only Israel would consider ending its nuclear activity. In response, Israel refuses and is greeted with even more generous offers.

December - Israeli nuclear weapons explode over Tehran and a dozen major Iranian cities killing millions. Sunni, Kurdish and Zoroastrian terrorists overrun Iran taking over most of the country. From the buried bunker of the Iranian government a quick call is made to Washington asking, "So can we fight back now?"

"No," comes the answer.

2 comments:

Lemon-Lime Moon said...

And so it goes-----------

Yobeeone said...

Meanwhile, California and the entire SW is returned to Mexico! Out of sheer anger at the audacity of it all, American Indians rise up and demand control of the Central and Eastern portions of the US. Not wanting to seem prejudice, the US complies. Everything, except Florida is returned to the Indians, as it was given over to Cuba.

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