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Thursday, December 22, 2005

Ten Little Known Facts about the NYC Transit Strike



10. A key sticking point in the strike negotiations has been the union demand for massages and pedicures during hourly lunch breaks.

9. Transit performance ratings have actually improved during the strike.

8. Hour of exercise gained by walking to work is expected to save over 1 million lives over the next decade.

7. The UN has offered to mediate the strike with the likely result that it will drag on for years and end in mass genocide.

6. Confusion has been caused by the MTA using quantum physics to explain why their surpluses exist and don't exist at the same time in different quantum states.

5. Transit union negotiator demands broadcast incomprehensibly over subway intercom leaving mediators to wonder whether they can really provide them with, "Dbrghst Bdghts Ldfsrt Thgrsth Wtsgrdts."

4. Many fellow transit unions have joined the walkout including Subway Rats Local 302, Crazed Homeless Panhandlers 901 and A Train Muggers 305, promising not to work until their demands are met.

3. Transit workers finding that doing nothing all day is a lot like their old job but pays less.

2. MTA announces accelerated plan to replace all transit workers with stainless steel robots who sleep on the job and don't speak English.

1. Transit workers replaced by monkeys on 1, 2 and 3 lines resulting in improved job performance, better customer service and less offensive odors.

0. MTA slogan, Support Us So We Can Double Your Fares. Union Slogan, Support Us So We Can Triple Your Fares.

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